Your faithful Mexican is putting the final touches to his coming magnum opus, Taco USA: How Mexican Food Conquered America (out April 2012) and is thus at the rancho, getting handmade tortillas made by his chica in pigtails while I work on rewrites. But instead of a Best of columna, I’ve decided to print excerpts from one of my all-time favorite reader interactions. Remember back in 2007, when I asked ustedes who are half-Mexican and half-something else to tell us what you call yourselves? The brilliant, hilarious responses offered show how genius the Mexi brain truly is. Enjoy and see you in una semana!
If you’re half-Mexican and …
Half-Arab: Garbanzo beaner, America’s worst nightmare.
Half-Australian: Aussican, Dingoles (say like “frijoles”), Fosters Especial, Mexi-roo, Ortegamite, Wallican.
Half-Black: Black Beans, Blaxican, Bro-Vato, Choco-Taco, Choligger, Mack, Mexiblack, Mexicoon, Negrexican, Tino Noir, Watermexican, Wetblack.
Half-British: Limey Beans.
Half-Cajun: Bayou Beaner, Mexi-Gumbo, Mexicajun, Red Beans & Rice.
Half-Chinese: Chexican, Chinacan, Chinkano, Combination Plate, Mexinese, Rice ’n’ Beans, Soy Bean.
Half-Cornish: Cornish Tortilla.
Half-Costa Rican: Mextica (“tico” is a nickname for Costa Ricans).
Half-Czech: Czecano, Czex-Mex, Czexican, Mexislovakian.
Half-Filipino: ChicaPina (for Chicana and Pinay, which is a Tagalog slang term for Filipina), Chilipino, Filixan, Filitino, Flipamex, Flippican, JalaPinoy, Mexipino.
Half-Gabacho: Amerilanga (combination of American and chilanga, nickname for someone from Mexico City), Caucano, Chicangüera, Gabaxicano, GMC (Gringo-Mexico cross), Güerexican, Latinglo, Mexiglos, Mixican, Pochingo (half-pocho, half-gringo), Whispanic, White Bean.
Half-German: Beanerschnitzel, Chili Kraut, Germexican, Wiener Beaner.
Half-Greek: Greexican, Grec-Mex, Mexi-eek (I never said all of the nicknames were clever).
Half-Guamanian: Chamexorro (Guam natives are called Chamorros), Guamexican.
Half-Guatemalan: Chapano (chapínis a nickname for Guatemalans), Guacamex.
Half-Hawaiian: Jalapiña, Pineapple Salsa.
Half-Indian (the India kind): Curry Tamale.
Half-Indian (the Indian kind): Apachichano, Cherocano, Cheyennexican, Commanchano, Mexiskin (half-Mexican, half-Redskin), Navacano, Navajole, Navajo Taco.
Half-Irish: Celtic Aztec, Green Bean, Irelandicanos, Leprecano, McBeaner, McSpic, Mick Spic, O’Beaner, Paddy-Mex.
Half-Italian: Mexican Pizza, Mexitalian, Spicawop, Spic-talian, Wopsican.
Half-Jamaican: Jamexican, Rastacan.
Half-Japanese: Japanic, Mexanese.
Half-Jewish: Jalapeño Bagel, Jumex (also the name of a delicious Mexican fruit nectar drink), Kahlua-jewa, Kosher Burrito, Mexi-Jew.
Half-Korean: Kimchicano, Kimchinero, Korexican, Mexirean.
Half-Lebanese: Lebxican, Mediterraxican, Mexiterranean (for those from the Mediterranean region in general).
Half-Lithuanian: Baltican, Baltic pepper, Lexican, Mexicainis, Mexiuanian.
Half-Michigander: Michicano, Mixicano.
Half-Norwegian: Lutefiskan, Mexinorske, Norskecan.
Half-Oklahomian: Chokies, Okie-Frijoles.
Half-Peruvian: Lima Bean.
Half-Polish: Bean Pole, Polo-Cholo, Polexican, Polexiqui (this particular gal was Yaqui Indian on her Mexican side; she also called herself a Mexipolaqui), Taco Polaco.
Half-Portuguese: Mexi-guese, Pork and Beans.
Half-Puerto Rican: Bori-Mex, Messyrican, Mexiricaña, MexiRican, Porto-Mex.
Half-Redneck: Rednexican, Redback, Wetneck.
Half-Russian: Brown Russian.
Half Scandinavian: Hispandinavian.
Half-Scottish: McRiguez, Scottsican.
Half-Somali: Hot Somali.
Half-Swiss: Swexican, Swexicano.
Half-Ukrainian: Borscheros, Cossackeros, Kievicans, Pysankeros.
Half-White: Honky-Tonk, Gringateca, Mejiyanqui, Mexi-melts, Whics.
One guy calls his kids a Mick-Mock-Mex: quarter-Irish, quarter-Jewish (“mock” was apparently a Jewish epithet) and half-Mexican. Someone who is part-Mexican, -Italian and Polish calls themselves a Mexpotalian.
Other Latinos also joined the game. A half-Spanish, half-American called himself “Spam,” a Cuban Jew goes by Jewban, while a Peruvian from Minnesota describes herself as a Minneruvian. Meanwhile, a Puerto Rican from New York insisted that dominicanos were half-Dominican, half-anus (ano is “anus” in Spanish). And a half-Indian, half-Jew wrote in at the last moment with his moniker: Gandhistein. But the final, wisest word goes to a full-blooded gabacho:
How about an American, like all of us mutts?