The secret of white shoes

Got a spicy question about Mexicans?
Letters will be edited for clarity cabrones—unless you’re a racist pendejo. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

Dear Mexican: I see a lot of vatos around wearing the clam digger pants with the knee-high white socks and white sneakers. While this is nothing new, I’ve noticed recently that the shoes and socks are the whitest white I’ve ever seen. If I wear white sneakers and socks, they get dirty pretty quickly, even if I stay on the sidewalk. So … what’s the secret? Spray paint? Slaving over a washboard with homemade lye soap so Junior Jr. can look like all the other homies? Some of that Mexican witch doctor magic? Zote? Not having a job and moving as little as possible, so as not to soil said garments? Whatever the secret is, I’m sure Proctor & Gamble would pay big bucks for it!

No Zapato Blanco

Dear Gabacho:

Primeramente, it ain’t just the cholos looking spic ‘n’ span, it’s ALL Mexican men when not in work mode. Whether the wab with his 1000X Stetson, a hipster and his immaculate Chucks, some vendido who prefers Burberry suits, or a soccer fan that irons his Chivas jersey even though he knows it’ll be covered with sweat and beer after the game, hombres pay special attention to how they look¯part vanity, por supuesto, but also old-fashioned values that remember a well-kept man is usually well-kept in everything else, también. Back to the cholos, I’m sure you also know hoods of all rayas pay attention to sartorial manners, whether Darth Vader, Al Capone’s fedoras, or the brownshirts. That’s a byproduct of bling¯trying to show the world how well your criminal life treats you¯and good ol’ Freudian overcompensation for their sorry lot in life. For cholos, then, it’s a mix of the Mexican and the criminal that keeps him looking so unblemished¯oh, and the woman in his life, whether a saintly mother or some Sharpie-eyebrow-wearing ruca.

I’m so sick of hearing this gthey want a better lifeh boohoo bullshit! Then if that’s true, why do they demand that the Mexican flag be flown in the US of A? Why do they paint Nazi signs on the U.S. flag? Shit on it? Desecrate it? Why do they show such contempt for AMERICAN CITIZENS instead of trying to assimilate and learn the language and act properly? Ifm sure that some do, but most that I have seen hold the very country that they claim to want to live in so much in total contempt and make no attempts to hide it. How is someone a penjedo for disliking ILLEGALS in this country? Seems as though you are the pendejo of the 100,000th degree.

—Not a Pendejo

Dear Pendejo Gabacho:

Actually, I’m at a level of pendejo so high that the collective brains of MIT and Caltech can’t comprehend it yet. But you dismantle your own argument by admitting that there are Mexicans who do assimilate and “act properly,” whatever chingada that means¯but it’s not some, it’s ALL. Do you need to know English to be an American? Nope. Only wave the American flag? Nope. Be a citizen? Not even close. I know illegals who are more American than your pendejo ass, and I know gabachos who are bigger leeches on this country than a Mexican mom on the government queso. How is someone a penjedo for disliking ILLEGALS in this country? Easy: for the lack of logic.

GOOD MEXICAN OF THE WEEK! We’ve plugged the Mexican-American Studies program offered by the Tucson Unified School District before in this columna, but we can’t do it enough. And as the academic year begins anew, we commend this endeavor anew. You know why Know Nothings hate this program, banda, and want to eliminate it? Because it actually helps students do better in school¯and the last thing the old guard in this country needs is a bunch of educated cabrones ready to raise desmadre on America by keeping the good and dismantling the pendejo.