Specialty alcohol

As a testament to the purity and luxury of the alcohol, some brands (Diva) filter their vodkas over diamonds. As a testament to who knows what, a new Germany-based brand is running its liquor over breasts. G-Spirits boasts that its rum, vodka and whiskey are poured over a woman’s breasts prior to bottling. According to the website: “This sensuality awakens the true character of our brands and gives them an identity …” The label even enlisted Alexa Varga—Playboy Hungary’s 2012 Playmate of the Year—as its whiskey woman. Unfortunately, this cultivated identity stops when you open the bottle. The rum is the least offensive of the three as it starts out sweet and spicy but quickly turns into a kiss from your drunken aunt who’s been sucking on Werther’s Originals. The website describes the whiskey as “harmonic, well-balanced, spicy and long-lasting,” though only the last adjective seems to hold true—and not in a pleasant way. In the United States, we think of vodkas as neutral spirits, but the G-Spirit vodka is about as neutral as Bill O’Reilly moderating a Democratic debate—and as hard to swallow. Despite all of this, make no mistake—someone, somewhere will give into G-Spirits’ creative marketing and spend $180 for a half-liter Playmate body-shot.