Dear Cheesespreads,
My name is Daniel and I am a first grader at ——- school in Chico. Last week, I got in a fight with a girl. I pulled her by the hair and she kicked me in my head. It hurt bad. I told her that I hate her and she deserves to blow up.

Today I was arrested for being a terrorist and my mom cried out loud. Please don’t make jokes about terrorists anymore because it is crazy out here. I am scared.

Part of my punishment from Mr. Ashcroft is a letter writing campaign and my mom says you need mental help and you are a terrorist.

PS. My mom helped me write this.



I got a good cover story. My wife has done it now. I am writing you this letter from jail. That &$*% totally set me up. She said I was sitting around the trailer all day not looking for a job and so she found a real man who drives a train. I told her whatever—I hope he has nuclear waste spill on him, you know. Just because I hate him. But not seriously.

Then today I was arrested for making terrorist threats. What the hell? I just want my Darlene to come on home. Can you do me a cover story?

Pug Hodges


Dear Reverend,

I am an aging feminist who has grown wrinkled over the years. Financially secure, I’m thinking of injecting Botox into my head for about $500 a pop. It’s the new thing and all women 30-64 are being assaulted with advertising campaigns of late. I heard it is also being used for open-casket funerals. Do you think that I am betraying my feminist roots by supporting this beauty treatment?

From Barbie to Botox

The Reverend responds: Of course not. As long as you’re doing it to look good for yourself, I think most feminists I know would say do what you want—it’s your body. But the only woman I know who has managed to successfully maintain a wrinkle-free existence was made out of cardboard and wearing a Wonder Woman outfit. Also, note that Botox treatments wear off in four months, so you had best marry an ophthalmologist—they can score Botox free.

“It’s fun to be a rock star. I suggest that everyone forget what they’re doing and just be rock stars."—Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit, on his answer to the world’s problems.

Weekly props
1. Mike Bibby

2. William McDonugh and Michael Braungart’s Cradle to Cradle

3. Turntable show at Mr. Lucky (5/16)

4. Robert Pinsky on The Simpsons

5. The Spooky Dance Band playing Brian Eno’s “Baby’s On Fire” at Scott and Kristen’s backyard party.