Bush-backed study shows Alaskan caribou prefer death
After rejecting a recent 12-year study detailing the devastating effect on wildlife of drilling in the ANWR, President Dubya has indicated he is happy with a new, 10-day survey that proves most animals in the region prefer death to living in the last wild state of our country.

“I’m proud these animals are doing their part so that we can keep our American way of life—from SUVs to fast food,” Bush said. “I’m real happy they done gived us a way to make a little extra on oil so we don’t have to depend on Daddy’s darkie friends—they scare me. … Make no mistake, I’m tired of taking crap from my conservative buddies too—I’ll kill Saddam soon enough, y’all. I threw you a bone with the anti-cloning stuff, ‘no cures until big money gets theirs,’ I said—so do me a favor and leave me alone. This job sure can be hard sometimes.”

Bush concluded his private press conference to cheers, adding, “As long as I’m on watch, no American will have to change his God-given habits. You want to leave a light on, you do it. You want electro-hair removal from a well-oiled Thai boy, you go right ahead. ‘Cause this is America, the greatest superpower in the universe, and we darn-diddley deserve it.”

Exclusive: Colin Powell ‘tired of all this Mideast crap’
In an exclusive phone interview with Cheesepread, a clearly exhausted Colin Powell said from Cairo that he is “tired of all this Mideast crap. These spittin’ crazy people in my face every day… and why does America always got to send the black man for the dirty work?”

In a candid moment, Powell recounted that his entire professional life spent in the military being molded into a perfect Frankenstein soldier by elite interests was beginning to bother him.

“I thought once I got to a position of power I could do some good,” he said. “But who was I kidding? My toilet has better sense than this administration. We’re just a glorified defense and oil company, and I’m the one who has to go try to sweet talk the people whose lives we destroy. That ain’t funny! Screw all y’all. You got your last tapdance from this brother.”

When asked what he thought of the destruction in Ramallah, Powell said it wasn’t so bad.

“They cleaned up the piles of dead people and drove me around the back way on the settler bypass highway through a small part of the city—so I didn’t see much.”

Powell said it was hard to tell Sharon to stop slaughtering innocent Palestinians when Sharon kept quoting from the Bush family playbook.

And what about the Palestinians who strap their children with bombs?

“Fuhgeddabout it,” Powell said. “This place is totally wack.”

Weekly props
1. Thursday night Farmers’ Market
2. The NBA playoffs
3. Modern Japanese horror fest on Sundance
4. Y Tu Mamá También

CORRECTION: Apologies to cabbies for off-handedly joking that they leave drunks in fields.