Party school questionnaire
Hey, all you bitches and brau-haus out there—Please fill out these questions to determine whether your college/university really parties! Feel free to guesstimate.


Your friends at Playboy

Male monkeys

Number of bars that know you on a first-name basis:

Number of bruises or scars from recent drinking incidents:

Number of times you “drank through it” last semester:

Number of times you skipped studying to “go get you some” last month:

Number of late keg fees incurred last semester:

Please rate the propulsion of your average vomit: A) paint-peeling (toilet water splashing back in your face); B) normal (purging); C) mild (wet burps)

If you had to choose one way to get 86’ed from a bar, would it be: A) peeing in a light fixture; B) drinking all the dregs off tables; C) calling the bartender a worthless whore?

Number of shady drug deals gone wrong last semester:

Number of times you threw your own feces at onlookers:

Number of times you masturbate to Carson Daly or other MTV icons per week:

Female monkeys

Number of times you broke a heel because of tequila:

Number of times you took the “walk of shame” last weekend:

Number of times you were groped (on average) last week:

Number of panties you left in strange apartments last semester:

Which is more important: A) a shapely butt; B) Prince Charming; C) raising the money for fake boobs; D) your education?

Number of times you wept for another chance from a professor because you flunked a test (due to binge drinking the night before):

Number of times you passed out at a party and woke up covered in spicy mustard and cotton balls:

Number of times your body was left by a cab driver in an empty field:

Number of times you read a pregnancy stick last semester:

Number of times you’ve had your stomach pumped:

Sound bite
“If he’d have known about the way they burnt witches and that, Jesus would have been mad. But if Jesus had seen U2 he would have been very mad indeed. Jesus would throw bottles at U2.”

—Mark E. Smith, “The Fall” (1993). (From Mouthing Off: a Book of Rock and Roll Quotes by John D. Luerssen, available in June from Telegraph Press)

Weekly props
1. Wildflowers on Table Mountain

2. Kurosawa whisky commercials

3. Fascist watch: Michael Powell (FCC) is ruining the Internet

4. Mike Watt and the Secondmen at the Brick (6/11)