St. Paddy’s Day Crossword
(to be completed by those killing time in jail March 18)


1. Breakfast of champions in Oroville

2. Eve Ensler loves her

3. Resisting

6. America’s most wanted

7. Eye device for getting laid

9. Chico’s bar of choice

11. Banishment or tasty sex position

15. Another word for booty

16. Most often yelled in catfight


1. School for smart mofo’s

2. Chico street puddle

4. Jail shoes are made of this

5. “Show us your___”

8. Southern for slut

10. He makes the best Bloody Marys

12. Nietzsche said He was dead

13. Paddy

14. Lorena Bobbitt made this

Bush appoints Dr. Strangelove to head ‘nyuculear’ attack force
Citing his power of blank check approval from Congress, President Bush made another bold move recently by hiring renowned war expert Dr. Strangelove as chair of the newly formed Nuclear Utilization Task Strategy, or NUTS.

“Zee president iz fully aware of zee need to crush zee evil states [China, Russia, Lebanon, Syria, North Korea, Iran, Iraq]” said Strangelove. “Amirika must return to her Cold War thinking lest zey be liquefied by zee intruders!” Strangelove told reporters, before a bizarre hand twitch led him to accidentally choke himself with his one good arm.

“I’m indeed proud to have Mr. Strangelove in my war room,” Bush commented. “We need zany gimps like this guy to fight the evil-doers in our new, never-ending war… Anybody out there thinking about cyber-terrorism, Strangelove has my approval to blow you into that mushroom thingy.”

Weekly props
1. CBS’ 9/11 special

2. March madness

3. Jonathan Richman at Duffy’s 4/14

4. St. Paddy’s Day