The following best describes my feelings about Valentine’s Day:
a) My lover and I are elated to reaffirm our bond.
b) It’s a capitalist conspiracy by chocolate vendors.
c) I’m single; leave me alone.
d) “When I say I’m in love, you best believe I’m in love … L-U-V!”
I consider unique Valentine’s gifts to be something like:
a) saying I’m in the hospital and, when she gets there, hitting her with a water balloon.
b) getting matching nipple rings with hanging dice.
c) building a model of him/her using only Circus Peanut candy.
d) driving her to Lookout Point late at night and pretending to turn into a werewolf à la Thriller.
This best describes my reaction to Bush’s plan to dump the biggest nuclear waste pile ever in Nevada:
a) It’s as good a place as any.
b) I support my government no matter what ‘cause I’m an American.
c) I don’t want to die.
d) Duude, wake and bake.
I know spring has arrived in Chico when:
a) wildflowers bloom in Upper Bidwell.
b) Duffy’s is full of dirty softball players.
c) I start noticing hot young students and their midriffs.
d) allergies wreak havoc on my body like Mr. T on PCP.
e) it says so on the Internet.
The top part of the Senator tower should be:
a) put back where it belongs.
b) turned into a suds-filled disco room at the Bear.
c) placed in the grip of “the Hands” art project.
d) sold to Lucasfilm as set piece #2079: “Jar Jar Binks’ yoga studio.”
When Anthony Watts left television, I felt:
a) betrayed and bitter.
b) horny as hell and lookin’ for love.
c). unsure of which direction to take in life.
d) I don’t even like the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
I believe the new NBA dunk contest rules:
a) suck out loud.
b) don’t allow enough individual creativity.
c) should have included a low rim for Daryl Hall & John Oates.
d) “Dunk this [grab crotch].”
1. Spring weather
2. Angelo from Fishbone (honorary Cheese brother)
3. Violent Femmes in Chico?
4. The Botany of Desire by Michael Pollan
5. Pedrag Stojakovic—3-point champion