One small step for Rold Gold, one giant leap for mankind
President Bush suffered a health scare in his private quarters at the White House last weekend. Initial reports indicate that Bush choked on a pretzel while watching the Miami-Baltimore football game, then fainted and scraped his head when he fell off the sofa. His wife discovered him lying face down on the floor with his trusted dogs, Barney and Spot, slowly gnawing through his clothes to consume the body.

“Thankfully we have no cats,” the first lady joked. “I hear they will eat a human body even quicker than dogs.”

Unsubstantiated eyewitness reports initially indicated that a small broken mirror, as well as razor blade and a Dippsy-doo crazy straw, were present by the president’s head. White House staffers would confirm only that Bush had just finished testing a new product from the Kookssondang Brewery in South Korea, known in English as “chewable liquor,” a potent extract from the popular Paeksejoo rice wine. The wine may have produced a chemical reaction, they say, that made the president ram fistfuls of pretzels down his throat, causing the blackout.

Doctors say that U.S. citizens need not worry, the president is in good health and that we can all help by supporting any random wars he plans to continue and by ignoring the Enron scandal, as well as any plans for immediate impeachment.

Bush remained characteristically upbeat about the accident.

“Now I know how Daddy felt when he spit up on the Japanese guy,” Bush joked with reporters. “Those dogs are dead meat, too, I’m tellin’ ya. Ain’t that a kick in the cojones? Eaten by your best friends.”

2001 Darwin Awards announced
It’s one thing to die tragically, it’s another to be included in the Darwin awards for removal of undesirable elements from the human gene pool.

5th RUNNER-UP: This goes to a San Anselmo, Calif., man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. David Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope, and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined that the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.

3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.

Weekly props
1. Christianne Klein’s army
2. Berkeley Travel with Scholars (2002) 1-800-209-7344
3. Bob Marley Fest (Brick)
4. High On Fire puking on stage