Mall Santa delivers stirring 9-11 speech

Santa had a lot on his mind last week. In the middle of 10-hour shift at the Cloverleaf Mall in Rank, N.J., a teary-eyed St. Nick stood and addressed over 200 antsy children as scared, part-time elves scattered.

“We have all changed since Sept. 11,” he began. “Through this terrible tragedy which sent shockwaves around the globe, we have seen just how small and entwined the world has become. We ask, ‘How will the war of the haves and have-nots play out? Will human beings end their violent blip on the grand timescale over issues of religion?’ … I implore you, do not let these deaths be in vain! Younger generations need to become educated and responsible on the world scene …”

Ten minutes into the speech—as some children in the crowd began weeping—mall security forcefully relieved Santa from his post and whisked him away to a Special Terrorist Task Force holding cell to rounds of audience applause.As writer David Corn points out in a recent essay, “The more Bush grows, the more he stays the same.” Our president hasn’t changed his corporate-sucking principles since Sept. 11—if anything, he disgracefully used the tragedy to further his own agendas. One might broach the following topics with any gloating Bush-lovers who dare poison the holiday dinner table with Republican propaganda:

Withdrawal from the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty—Bullies ally Russia, screws Alaska for a war-lovers’ wet dream of a yet-proven missile defense system. Wu-hoo! At least defense contractors are happy.

Retroactive corporate tax cuts—We’re going to be facing deficits for the rest of our lives so mega-companies can make billions more. Multi-year tax cuts for the rich (plus war expenses) will screw us far into the future.

Refused to consider or outright blew off: Comprehensive Test Ban Treaty outlawing nuclear tests, the International Criminal Court, Convention of the Prohibition of Landmines, UN conference on small arms, Kyoto Protocol (global warming), UN Convention on the Rights of the Child, Biological Weapons Conventions—all bad moves that at the very least furthered our image as hell-bent tyrants to the world (looks like we’re leaving the Afghanistan cleanup bill, too).

Fast-track trade authority—Would approval in the House have happened so effortlessly without the lemming, non-questioning environment of pro-war-zealots? Probably not.

Social Security Commission—Partial privatization of retirement program: What a good idea! (Old people should die penniless and confused.)

One word: Enron—Makes the Whitewater scandal look like child’s play.

Weekly props
1. Home gift-makers
2. My boy Gerald Wallace with the ups
3. The Word (featuring John Medeski) Norcal tour
4. That girl at the party
5. Wesley Willis (1/17) at the Senator