I want my Arab MTV recently reported that “the architects of the government’s post-September 11 propaganda war may well want their MTV on the frontlines in the Arab world … with no demo more crucial to the future of Islamic-Western relations than the 15-30 age group—which is where MTV comes in.”

Here are some ideas for the fall lineup series:

The Real World: Kunduz—What happens when some starved, war-torn Afghan kids are given a million-dollar loft and jobs as spokespeople for Arista Hip Hop/Arab division? Things get real, quick. The drama escalates as our cute college-aged housemates no longer worry about finding morsels of food every day and instead struggle with the real-life American dramas of getting laid and drunk on a weekly basis (and mastering karaoke).

Dismissed—The hot new date show where one lucky fundamentalist Muslim gets a triple date with three veiled women. At the end of the night, after some naked hot-tub action and plate breaking, the male contestant chooses his bride while the two losers are unceremoniously shot in the back of their heads in an athletic stadium-turned-open-graveyard. “Talk about dismissed!” says one MTV exec.

Jackass—Follows happy-go-lucky Pakistani skate team around the ruins of bombed-out towns looking for that perfect bowl—with lots of wacky, self-inflicted pain along the way. Surreal humor market: Midgets running in their underwear through minefields; Steve-O and Bam Margera reprise their roles as lovable jackasses living out their homo-erotic fantasies in stuffed thongs.

Holiday message to Osama bin Laden
After hearing that Al Qaida operatives read Cheesespread on a weekly basis for clues to American pop culture, I’ve decided to issue a statement directly to the infamous terrorist. Mr. Laden, I think there’s an easy way to end all this war crap in time for the Christian holiday of Christmas, when we celebrate the prophet Jesus through a symbolically fat, Buddha-like white man who invades our homes while we sleep and leaves us gifts for being good-doers. This plan involves you getting smart and conveying your grievances the way you should have done all along—by hiring Johnny Cochran. Let’s face it, you’re gonna buy the farm any way you cut it—too many people want you dead. Make a big Hollywood trial out of it, and you can address your innocence/guilt and express your grievances over U.S. foreign policy on a world stage—then go to your grave in a civilized manner. That is, unless you get off (or Bush feeds you to hungry Texan boars). Remember, if the turban doesn’t fit, you must acquit.

Weekly props
1.Support local metal: Painfest at the Epicenter (12/7-8)
2.Samantha Perry in Love and the Monster
3.Mission of Burma reunites
5.Northern Exposure nightly 11 p.m.
6.Chico’s own “Nikki” on the 5th Wheel