The Osbournes go to Washington
The following is imagined dialogue from an upcoming episode of The Osbournes, MTV’s hugely popular “reality sitcom” based around the Beverly Hills home life of synapse-fried metal hero Ozzy Osbourne and his foul-mouthed wife and children. The show is so popular that President Dubya has actually invited the songwriter of “Suicide Solution"—which right-wing religious nuts once deemed Satanist pornography—to visit the Whitest House in America for what is sure to be a famous update of the legendary Nixon-Elvis summit.

In this scene, Ozzy and wife Sharon are distracting Mr. Bush in the presidential billiards room while the Osbourne kids, Fat Jack and Pink, dose the drunken Bush twins with liquid crank and tie them together using barbed wire.

Ozzy (drunken Cockney slur): Betchsshu never thought you’d ever [beepin'] have me in your [beepin] [beep] [beep].

George Dubya (dyslexic Texas drawl): Well, now that we are in time of crisis it’s good to know we have the Iron Man on our side. I may dispatch you to Arafat, who knows.

Ozzy: You people are mad! Sharon, why the [beep] am I here? This guy’s the [beepin] Antichrist of the free [beepin] world, man!

Sharon: Shut your [beepin'] mouth, Ozzy, and don’t foul yourself.

George Dubya: My wife and I particularly enjoy your power ballad period … but that peein’ on the Alamo thing was uncalled for. We tell our little girls that’s what happens to a brain on drugs—you piddle on Texas monuments. Then we tell ’em, “If Ozzy can kick drugs, I reckon so can you.”

Ozzy: How the hell do ya choke on a pretzel, man? I’ve snorted [beepin'] ants in my [beepin'] sleep and still [beepin] [beeped] my wife. You must have done more [beepin'] drugs in the ‘70s than Sabbath even. I can’t even [beepin'] understand what you’re [beepin'] saying half the time. Sharon! Sharon, watch this [Picks up the Bush dog and attempts to bite its throat, at which point he is pummeled by security]

THE CRIME OF TERRORISM [taken from New York State Anti-Terrorism Act of 2001, which went into effect last Sept. 17]:

A person is guilty of this offense when he or she commits a “specified offense” with intent to accomplish one of the following three goals:

1. Intimidate or coerce a civilian population

2. Influence the policy of a unit of government

3. Affect the conduct of a unit of government

If the underlying specified offense is itself a class A-1 felony offense, then the minimum punishment must be life imprisonment without parole.

Weekly props
1. Kings bobbleheads
2. Winners of the Ping Pong tourney at Butte Creek Brewery
3. MMW “Uninvisible”
4. “Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten” (jpg)