Matt Pike

Matt Pike

Photo by Opie Taylor

God calls emergency press conference
In an emergency press conference with several heads of faiths, God said last weekend that Paradise had become “vastly overbooked” with the massive influx of dead martyrs of late.

“The wait staff here is not prepared to handle this kind of rush,” God said, using His omnipotent voice from a large thundercloud. “We’ve actually had some people complaining up here, if you can believe that.”

Jin-Zee Aheer, a recent terrorist martyr, had been quoted as saying, “Paradise was supposed to mean no worries—that’s why I spent my life as a religious nut, enjoying nothing but self-righteous piety and the infliction of my badly educated beliefs on others. … Now I can’t even get a decent table for the dinner show up here.”

In response, God called for an immediate and indefinite halt to all violence in His name.

“I haven’t even been able to change the jukebox in years,” He confided to reporters. “If I have to hear ‘Tequila’ one more time, I’m thinking of killing off the agave plant.”

MTV artists join for Iraqi military junta benefit CD
Heeding President Dubya’s call for each American to offer “2,000 years of community service,” a select group of best-selling MTV artists led by the Backstreet Boys, Jay-Z and Limp Bisquick have recorded a benefit CD to help fund the displacement of Saddam Hussein with an American-backed military dictatorship friendly toward U.S. control of oil in the region.

Songs include “Rag-head (Get Off Me),” “We Up in This Joint,” “Infidel Ryders” and a remix of “WAR! (What Is It Good For?)—Oil (Absolutely!)”

“Yo we need this oil fo’ shizzle,” said platinum-selling artist Jay-Z. “I got 45 gold-plated Ferraris, two jet planes and a monster yacht out back thirsty for some nizzle, word.”

The Backstreet Boys—whose hit single “Girl, I’m Your Hero (Now Get on Your Knees)” is featured on the compilation—issued a statement saying that poor kids should “fully embrace the adventure of fighting religious freaks to the death in a ravaged Middle Eastern country,” adding that pursuing alternative fuel methods that could wean our country from foreign oil was analogous to “saying you love 98 Degrees when you’re really feelin’ Backstreet.”

Weekly props
1. De La Soul and The Coup at the Rose Garden
2. Yard sales
3. Bike parades
4. Live DJs at the Scrounge
5. High on Fire Surrounded by Thieves (May 28)