Do the smoky-pokey

Ngaio Bealum is a Sacramento comedian, activist and marijuana expert. Email him questions at

I’m seeing this woman, and just like in Annie Hall, she only likes to have sex when she’s high. I haven’t used marijuana since college and have a lot of anxiety about trying it again. But she’s great, the sex is great, and I don’t want to come across as some old fogy. Help?

—Horny Weed

Your girl is smart. Sex and weed go together like, well, sex and weed. Since marijuana helps people relax and can heighten the senses (especially the sense of touch), many people find that a toke or two will get them to a higher level of sensuality. The “smoky-pokey” is one of my favorite games.

And the cool thing, H.W., is you don’t have to smoke a lot. A ceremonial toke with your girl to get the festivities started shouldn’t get you too high to enjoy yourself.

I called Lisa “Mamakind” Kirkman, author of the book Sex Pot: The Marijuana Lover’s Guide to Gettin’ It On, and this is what she had to say about the best kinds of cannabis for carnal pleasure: “I would recommend different strains for different kinds of sex: an intimate lovemaking session might benefit from an indica-dominant strain, like Blueberry, to relax the body and mind, but not put you to sleep. Pre-rolling for an orgy? Try Blueberry’s mostly sativa sister, Flo. She’ll get you going, energizing your body and mind, without making anyone all freaky-deaky.”

You probably aren’t gonna have an orgy, but it’s good stuff to know just in case. I would also suggest looking into a high-CBD strain like Harlequin, as it has been shown to decrease anxiety. Cottonmouth is the only drawback. Lisa recommends fruit and water; I like Starbursts and Tootsie Rolls. Have fun.

My 70-year-old uncle is going through chemotherapy. He and his son recently asked me to get him some pot. I don’t smoke pot anymore, and I don’t want to buy pot for other people or get a doctor’s scrip. But I feel compelled to help them out.

—Sober Grandson

Good luck to your grandfather. Chemotherapy sucks ass. He is going to need all of the help and support you can give him. You get props for being willing to help, even though you seem to have an unnatural aversion to cannabis. Would you be just as uncomfortable if Grandpa had asked you to go to the pharmacy and pick up his pills? It’s exactly the same thing. Marijuana is a medicine for many people. Check out the documentary Clearing the Smoke: The Science of Cannabis (you can watch it for free here:

The good news is you don’t need a doctor’s scrip to get cannabis in California. Take Grandpa to the doctor to get his letter of recommendation, and then take him to your local medical-cannabis dispensary. While he signs up as a patient, you sign up as his primary caregiver. That will allow you to purchase (you are going to have to get over your discomfort—this is your grandfather we are talking about) and carry marijuana legally without having to sign up as a cannabis patient yourself. I have a feeling that once you see how cannabis helps people, your attitude will change.