Common name(s): New Age Woman

Scientific name: Mostlie hocuspocus

Illustration By Conrad Garcia

(also known on your credit card statement as: Aroma Therapist, Color Coordinator, Colon Cleaner, Feng Shui Consultant, FortuneTeller, Inner-child Healer, Mistress of Meditation, Tantric Sex Therapist, Psychic Pet Counselor, Spirit Channeler, Vegan Adviser, White Witch, Zen Priestess).

Call: Ommmmmmmmm.”

Physical characteristics: It’s not hard to spot Mostlie hocuspocus—she just has an aura about her. Literally. This aging hippie chick has a flowing gray mane and is so spiritually connected, whatever that means, she glows brighter than a Chernobyl sunset. Because a similar effect can be observed in those who consume excess aspartame, it is wise to check for the presence of leg and armpit hair on individual specimens in the field before making a final determination of species.

Where to watch: Mostlie hocuspocus can prove to be an elusive bird, often turning up in the last place you’d expect. For instance, its well-known aversion to the harsh daylight of science and reason would seemingly prohibit habitation in meccas of learning such as college campuses, yet that is precisely where the highest concentration of Mostlie hocuspocus can be found in the area, operating under the radar, advertising in arcane publications such as Evolving Times and Inner Words. Mostlie has thrived in California by tending to play on the fears of a paranoid and yet wishful population, picking the mental carcasses of insecure people.

What you’ll see: That a hippie fool and his or her money are soon parted, and, if you’re really lucky, the hidden intricacies of performing a high colonic on a 350-pound gender-challenged individual.

Mating habits: While Mostlie hocuspocus frequently masquerades as a Wiccan, or so-called “white” or “good” witch, in reality, she is more often than not better classified as a succubus, an evil spirit that sucks the souls out of men via sexual intercourse or some other such ruse, such as ear coning, a process in which an entire lifetime’s build-up of ear wax is sucked out of the skull in a few short seconds, often taking microscopic bits of gray matter with it. Thus the whole Tantric sex craze (this idea about having sex for the sake of sex for long periods of time, and not quickly pushing to its logical end, i.e. the mighty, explosive male ejaculation, symbol of everything that is good and right and pure on this earth) is revealed for what it is: a blatant attack on Western patriarchy by the Wiccan and her darkly depressive ilk.

Status: Future survival is assured by the sucker-born-every-minute ratio.

Enviro leftoloonytunicus