Common name Foothill: Conservative or King of the Hills

Scientific name: Gluttinius republicanus

Illustration By Conrad Garcia

Identifying characteristics: A regal bird, Gluttinius republicanus likes to look sharp, if Tony Bahama sport shirts, gabardine slacks, loafers—generally, anything that looks acceptable on the fairway or at the 19th hole—is one’s idea of cutting-edge. To subsidize his passion for the fairway and the green, Gluttinius’ employment can be varied, although such pursuits as lawyer, retired Silicon Valley software-company owner, and stockbroker, which allow him to fashion a personal situation that gives him time to play golf, are preferred.

Call: “Fore!” A piercing screech that can be heard over green fields.

Migratory pattern: To ferry him between castle and the golf course, Gluttinius republicanus pilots a large, American-made SUV. He approached this quest for a personal steed with the same obsessive attention to detail he displayed in the one other important sector of his life, his golf game. He preferred the distinguished ostentation of the Lincoln Navigator’s gleaming and toothsome front fascia over the slightly larger (but more generic looking) offerings from General Motors. After much consideration he decided that the Navigator best represented his own vision of a conveyance befitting Camelot’s finest.

Habitat: A master of the carefully manicured universe, Gluttinius republicanus can be found in the more upscale suburban environs of outer Sacramento, specifically the lower elevations of Placer and El Dorado counties, where in recent decades land developers have fashioned a number of gated communities, many of them next to or in close proximity to golf courses. Gluttinius prefers these exclusive baronies, where he can fraternize with other like-minded Gluttinii without any dissonance from lesser mortals who may deign to disagree with his pronouncements. His castle, perhaps ostentatious by those possessing more modest aesthetic parameters, is the perfect expression of his own sense of beauty, which he arrived at by intensely studying the oeuvre of Painter of Light™ and Placerville native Thomas Kinkade. The resulting architectural extravaganza most closely resembles one of Kinkade’s ocean bluff cottages—if it could be pumped up on steroids and rendered in Italian marble, flagstone and stucco. The castle houses a wife unit who oversees several child units, keeping them busy with all manner of activities and out of Gluttinius’ nebulous business practices and his golf game, two places where they do not belong.

Diet: When it comes to chow, Gluttinius is strictly old-school: a tumbler or two of single malt followed by a Diamond Jim Brady cut of prime rib. He remains blissfully unaware of any culinary revolution that might have taken place in the past three decades; he refers to arugula, Belgian endive and mizuna derisively as “lawn clippings.” Favored haunts are such places as the Mackenzie Grille at the Granite Bay Golf Club, holding court on such favorite topics as golf, Republican politics and, when all else fails, golf.

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