Common name: Midtown Hipster

Scientific name: Dudus tattoous

Illustration By Conrad Garcia

Identifying characteristics: Species is extremely common in the central city region of Sacramento, where it nests during its pre-adult years after being reared in one of a wide variety of locales throughout the greater Sacramento area. Its new identity is established by alteration of its physical form through tattooing, ritual piercing, stretching of ear lobes, adoption of a countenance that is alternately defiant and disinterested, and excessive consumption of drugs, cigarettes and alcohol. At night it routinely listens to loud, screechy, disjointed music.

Habitat: Mostly nocturnal and found predominantly in bars or parties, they can sometimes be seen by day riding lowered cruiser bikes en route to hibernate in coffee shops or perch on tattoo parlor couches. Although apathetic about politics and ill-equipped to discuss sociopolitical philosophy, the Dudus tattoous exhibits strong anarchist and anti-establishmentarian tendencies, sometimes accompanied by outbursts of rage. The species is extremely localized and rarely travels outside its core domain, known as “the grid,” except for a pilgrimage to Nevada’s Black Rock Desert every August and occasional trips to San Francisco or parties in the ’burbs that offer an array of narcotics.

Call: “Got any rolling papers?”

Mating habits: The Midtown Hipster mates often, frequently developing semi-monogamous relationships (and occasional infections) lasting anywhere from two weeks to a few months. The mating ritual is usually initiated by the female, although not for lack of trying by the male, who seems to pursue mating almost constantly. A desirable female new to the locale will immediately be surrounded by the males until she chooses a mate and/or becomes acclimated to the region. Both males and females tend to mate with several members of their social grouping before looking to outsiders. Inbreeding is a concern.

Additional aspects: Despite its gruff appearance, the Dudus tattoous is actually quite friendly and domesticated, and welcoming of like-minded outsiders. The species is knowledgeable about automotive mechanics and marijuana cultivation and fairly high-functioning under the most adverse conditions, including sleep deprivation and severe intoxication.

Lobbyist gladhandus