Common name: Rice Farmer

Scientific name: Federalis subsidis

Illustration By Conrad Garcia

Identifying characteristics: This species is rather sedentary at times and seems to be seeking distractions. Having the federal government provide for its feed and habitat makes it unusual to the genus of California farmers who are usually known to work for a living. Indeed, the Federalis subsidis looks down on other members of the family who need to grow fruits and vegetables. It often refers to itself as a “gentleman farmer.” Noted for its huge size in both head and feet. Since it does little in the way of physical activity, a portion of its midsection hangs over a bright, shiny belt buckle.

Habitat: It tends to spread out thinly on the flood plain of the Sacramento River. Can occasionally be seen perched inside the air-conditioned cab of a vehicle known as Chevroletis gigantus in the fall, as other lesser members of the species torch the few fields used to grow rice. It seems not to be affected by the acrid smoke that billows from the rice stubble. At certain times of the year it will sit inside offices of members of Congress and comically plead poverty. Since the government pays Federalis thousands of dollars not to grow rice, it is often looking about for recreational opportunities, and is not afraid to pay top federal dollar. Can be seen at the lower bowl of ARCO Arena beating on a cowbell just a few rows behind Phil Jackson’s ears. Observer’s note that Federalis spends an inordinate amount of time spotting fowl at duck shooting clubs and the only other wildlife activity seems to center on strip clubs. Offspring of the species are often seen in close proximity to methamphetamine.

Migration pattern: Due to an abundance of money, Federalis flees the summer heat to a rather large nest of pine up in the Sierra that is sometimes referred to as the USDA cabin. There, a motor boat with the name “Big Ag” painted on the back is used for transportation.

Diet: Anything but rice. Demand could raise the price and theoretically eliminate price supports, and so the species.

Oratus pretentious