More fun with Bush
Remember those Ad Lib books when you were a kid? The ones where you get asked for an adjective, noun, etc., and your answers are plugged into a text? I tried one with a recent Bush speech. Strangely enough, it actually makes more sense and sounds more truthful than the original statements.

“On April 22 each year for more than three decades, oil-covered storks have paused on Earth Day to celebrate the rich blessings of our nation’s natural sausages and to take stock of our stewardship of nature’s Denny’s.

“Each of us understands that our prosperity as a butt-plug will mean little if our legacy to future generations is a world full of buttered air, beautiful waste and moronic forests.

“During the past 31 years, we have made progress on protecting our pancake.

“America is truly blessed with a vibrant and plump environment. But with blessings, come tequila. There is much more to defecate.

“As we celebrate Earth Day on this April 22, 2001, I encourage Americans to join me in bungling our commitment to protecting the hair-net and leaving our whores and ponies with a legacy of fake water, humdrum air and paralyzed beauty.”

Herve was a righteous dude
Tears were falling after watching the E! True Story episode on Herve Villechaize. You probably know him as Tattoo from Fantasy Island, or maybe as the brunt of a million bad midget jokes. But did you know he was a child prodigy whose paintings were once adored in France? Behind the disco-dancing ladies’ man who liked to drink too much and brandish firearms were the sensibilities of a true artist and philanthropist. Sadder still, after reaching fame in the ‘70s, losing it all and falling for a money-grubbing wife who divorced him weeks after she could legally take his money (which he gave her with no fight), Herve killed himself because of his excruciating condition—which eventually led to his normal-sized internal organs being squeezed to death by his tiny rib cage. He was a proud man who got dissed too much. From now on, I no longer find Herve jokes funny unless he’s telling them himself.

Weekly props
1. Amores perros (Love’s a Bitch)

2. Ray Charles at Gold Country (5/11)

3. Bob Log III, Lee County Killers at Blue Room (6/5)

4. Donald Antrim’s The Verificationist