Police Blotter

Friday, March 30

12:23 a.m. Fight reported in the 800 block of Salem Street. “Subjects are outside. One male is in a Michael Jackson Thriller jacket with approximately 125 zippers. Another male is armed with an extra long squeegee believed to be stolen.”

2:23 a.m. Suspicious circumstances reported in the 600 block of Mangrove. “Juvenile male subjects playing hacky-sack with a squirrel carcass. Subjects reportedly fled the scene on push scooters.”

3:51 a.m. Domestic dispute reported in the 1100 block of North Cedar. “Female subject reporting excessive flatulence from her boyfriend, who is passed out in bed. She doesn’t think it’s funny anymore and wants him to leave.”

Saturday, March 31

1:23 p.m. Disturbance reported in the 400 block of Main Street. “Male subject threatening to jump off a Porta-Potty if Gladiator Oscars are not nullified immediately. Neighbors say that he has been drinking cheap tequila in a baby pool. Subject identified himself to officers as the ‘Last of the Mohicans.'”

9:59 p.m. Suspicious circumstances reported. “Male subject was drinking at the Crazy Horse and passed out on a pool table. Friends said he could not breathe because his jeans were too tight.”

11: 22 p.m. Disturbance. “Female subject rode her bike headfirst through the Taco Bell take-out window. Subject not injured and claims that her boyfriend probably unhooked her bike brakes.”

Sunday, April 1

10:42 a.m. Hanging reported in the 1200 block of West Sacramento. “Male subject got his nose caught in the chain net of a basketball rim during dunk attempt. Has been hanging there for over an hour until reporting party heard moans.”

11:54 a.m. Peeping Toms reported in 400 block of Chestnut. “Female subject says she saw three men with long beards and furry electric guitars standing outside her window. She threw grilled asparagus at them, after which they left in a vehicle described as ‘a magic hot-rod.'”

1:46 p.m. Overdose reported in the dorms. “Male subject vomiting pink-colored sugar after ingesting too many Marshmallow Peeps.”

3:15 p.m. Disturbance reported. “Male subject in heated argument with a pet shop parrot named Birdy Num-Num. Subject said parrot threatened him using vulgar language. The owner claims bird is a loner and had previously threatened to ‘kill everyone in the shop one day’ but the man thought she was only kidding.


1. NXN weekend
2. BAMF film fest at Harlen Adams
3. Lazy Cowgirls at Mr. Lucky