No cuts, no butts, no coconuts

There’s something about drunk people and waiting in lines that brings out the worst in all of us.

Case study: Chipotle mixes a strong, if biting, margarita. Who knew? Well, evidently a lot of people, because last Sunday night a mob gathered at the chain’s Midtown location, pounding back tequila and pre-mixed syrupy goodness in small, salt-rimmed plastic cups.

But was it worth the wait? In line, a black guy yelled at an older white dude with a bowl cut: “You’ve been trying to cut, but you ain’t gonna, so get back.” And the woman next to him, wearing a T-shirt with the words “FBI: Firm Belief in Jesus,” shot the bowl cutter an intent “that’s right” look. Later, the guy tussled again, this after already apologizing to the cops—“Excuse me, officer”—who were also in line. Then, in the end, everyone let a svelte blond girl in front for refills—a bogus concession that turned the entire Chipotle queue, typically streamlined, to gridlock.

The three officers didn’t issue citations. (Side note: Do Midtown cops only dine at Chipotle? Editor’s note: No, they eat at places like Subway, too, because they can see their food being prepared.)

Maybe the city should consider citing for “unruly queue conduct”? We have a healthy budget deficit; there’s money to be made.

Booze and queues reared an uglier head a few days earlier at Friday’s Concerts in the Park downtown. Everyone, their mom and their drunk-ass uncle waited in 30-person-deep Porta-Potty lines. This after waiting in beer lines and beer-ticket lines.

I actually even overheard someone yell, “No cuts, no butts, no coconuts.” More lines than backstage at a Guns N’ Roses show.

Anyway, this one wasted guy kept nudging me in the back so that I’d try to finagle my way closer—branch off into a rogue line, push people over, whatever. But then he and his two friends finally ditched the queue, went straight to the front and jumped into the next available toilets.

That’s at least $120 lost city revenue. Money to be made.

Lord knows the Parks and Recreation Department needs the cash. (First, they could buy Concerts in the Park a proper PA system.)

Second, the county needs to expedite ongoing work on the Jedediah Smith Memorial Trail.

The gridlock and ensuing pile up near Lake Natoma, where construction detours cyclists toward a death trap at Hazel Avenue, is not only is a pain in the ass, it’s also near fatal. The crosswalk lights are buggy, and the wait to cross the busy avenue this past Saturday was a good dozen bikers deep, both coming and going. And we all know suburbanites can’t drive worth a lick.

But cyclists are a considerate, attentive and—thankfully—sober bunch.