Tenderloin district

My steadfast support of our president has final paid off. This week I got a note from my good friend Dick Cheney inviting me to join President and Mrs. Bush for a private dinner in Washington, D.C., on June 19. Dick is also asking me to serve as a representative of Chico at the dinner, which means if I get drunk and spill my drink on the president’s cowboy boots, all of Chico gets drunk and spills a drink on the president’s cowboy boots. Don’t think I’ll be close enough to splash a Bud on the president’s boots? Ha! Listen to what else Dick said: “In fact, a special place of honor has already been reserved for you to recognize your steadfast support of President Bush.” But here’s where things get sticky. Tickets to the dinner are $2,500 each, or I can buy a table for 10 for $25,000. I called the RSVP number and asked the woman who answered why there’s no break for purchasing a packet of 10 tickets. She said: “Well, there’s not.” I asked her again why there is no break. She said she didn’t know. Then I asked here what was on the menu. She laughed as if that were an odd question. “Oh,” she finally said, “it’s some sort of tenderloin and prawn thing.” (For $2,500, tenderloin and prawns are not enough of a lure for me, but I didn’t say so. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.) She said I’d best get my RSVP in the mail “by the end of the week.”

Apparently there is still honor in not attending. “If for any reason you cannot be here on the 19th,” the VP offers, “the President and I still want to honor you for your service to our party and your past support.” I think it’s cool that those guys read my column. I knew going online was worth the time and effort. Dick says if I can’t make it to the shindig, I can still “accept the honor of becoming an Honorary Co-Chairman of the President’s Dinner.” Seems that even if I can’t be there in person, apparently my money is still welcome. “I hope,” Dick says, “you will still support the President by making a special contribution of $1,000, $500, $250, $150 or even $50,” which will guarantee my becoming an honorary co-chairman of the President’s Dinner. Sen. George Allen, R-Virginia, already a co-chairman of the dinner, sent me a letter, too, which was slipped into Dick’s envelope, I guess to save money. Allen offers this: “To honor your commitment to President Bush, The President’s Dinner has commissioned a unique, limited-edition, numbered, three-photograph series entitled ‘The First Year,’ for all Co-Chairmen who contribute at least $150.”

So where is all this money going, you might ask. Let Dick explain: “The President’s Dinner is traditionally the ‘kickoff’ for the fall campaign season and the cornerstone of the President’s personal effort to maintain and expand our very slim Republican majority in the House and to regain our Republican majority in the U.S. Senate.” He then goes on to remind me of all the administration has accomplished, from cutting taxes to reforming education to rallying the nation against terrorism to bringing “compassionate conservatism to Washington. We could not have accomplished these goals without your support.” If I go, I’ll be sure to bring back a doggy bag stuffed with tenderloin and prawns for all of you I represent.

This just in: The Senator Theatre/Chico Community Performing Arts Center and the Right Now Foundation need a few qualified, community-minded persons for their Board of Directors. A one-year commitment is required. If you care about saving the Senator, call Rosemary Febbo at (530) 892-9955 or e-mail her at yofebbo@hotmail.com.