Single man ‘moved’ by late-night train whistle
Local retail clerk Poncho Martin, 27, recently told a group of co-workers that “sometimes, the sound of the late-night train makes me feel real sad, like I was meant to go somewhere, do something.” Martin, who has admittedly not had a physical relationship in some time, is allegedly showing symptoms of extreme anxiety in the workplace. Co-workers are vexed as to when the hopeful rap producer will handle his retail duties in a more professional manner.

“At first we just laughed really hard,” said a fellow clerk known as Fat Rick. “Then later, a customer got scared when she saw him crying in the DVD soft-porn bargain bin. … He also talks on the phone, and you can clearly hear the dial tone.”

Martin is currently recording his thoughts in a lace dream journal and has been instructed by his weekend shift manager, Lance Butzo, to “take the pain.”

More CSUC fall course rejects
Intro to Résumé Falsification—Learn the right way to construct elaborate, bold-faced lies on your résumé. These vital tips will be necessary by the time you graduate and Dubya has sunk the country into chaos.

Survey of Weed Cinema—In-depth study of the finest stoner films of the 20th century, from Reefer Madness to Cheech & Chong and The Money Tree. This class meets Monday mornings in a school van with built-in VCR.

Exploring Friends—A hallmark of current generations, the edgy and controversial hit TV show Friends is a life model for many new college grads, from its take on the gentrification of once culturally diverse cities to the angst of bored fashion models living in affordable NYC penthouse apartments. We’ll take a closer look at this ultra-realistic sitcom of social manners.

Advanced Hazing Principles—Fraternities are changing these days, and it’s time to learn the “kindler, gentler” methods of hazing. From carrying seniors’ laundry to doing push-ups and singing Helen Reddy’s “I Am Woman” on grocery store microphones, it’s still fun to be a frat boy, and you don’t necessarily have to die to be down with the bros.

Weekly props
1. Rose petals for Lynette’s surprise b-day bash

2. Doug Christie

3. Old 97’s at the Brick

4. KFOG fireworks with the Hips