The Sniper to become Fox TV fall drama series
Fox execs are proud to announce that the network has plans for a 2003 series based on the mid-Atlantic sniper killings that have stunned the nation and terrorized hundreds of thousands of people in Virginia, Maryland and D.C.

The Sniper will star hunk Lorenzo Lamas as an oily bounty hunter hired by the CIA to track and kill the unknown terrorist shooter as he or she continues the bloody rampage across the nation’s strip malls. The Wonder Years‘ Fred Savage will play the pesky rookie assigned to escort Lamas, while Delta Burke has signed on as the lead FBI investigator with “the hots” for oily hunks in camouflage pants.

Although the actual sniper may eventually be detained, say FOX execs, television ratings were just too high to let such a gem go by the wayside.

“The American people love a good thriller,” said one exec. “We’re shining a light on the activity of a killer, not to make him proud and inspire more killers, but because it’s what the American people want. … I mean, just look what one well-trained guy with a gun can do when he’s motivated.”

After 35th drug bust, Bush daughter finally slapped on wrist
Florida’s own Republican racist, Jeb Bush, the feckless political toilet bitch who sold his soul for a pat on the head from his political Mafioso family—will finally have to shed tears with the poor folk on the block who have lost children to the jail system.

Bush’s daughter (the presidential niece) was recently arrested yet again for possession of illegal narcotics and will now have to serve 10 days (or three hours, after good behavior) in a local children’s library.

Had any other white citizen been arrested for the same crimes as the Bush baby, the penalty would have been substantially longer, maybe seven to 10 years. Had it been a black person, or other minority, the penalty for the same crime would have jumped to 473 years in state prison without possibility for parole.

“This shows the beauty of our system when it works,” the younger Bush told reporters.

The ruling has angered some black leaders, such as Jesse Jackson, while other nameless sources of the mainstream media see nothing wrong with the sentence.

“The president has not seen his niece since an Ecstasy party at the White House in 2000,” said White House spokesman Airy Fleshman. “But I understand that he is deeply concerned for her … especially that she may have lost her best Florida drug connections after all this.”

Weekly props
1. Camejo’s Chico speech on KIXE (keep playing)

2. Rosemary’s Baby Shower at Chico Women’s Club (10/25)

3. We want Michael Moore’s Bowling for Columbine in Chico theaters

4. Get Your War On strip