Join the Democratic Party: We’re two-faced sellouts and proud of it!
Hey, boys and girls! Are you just entering the wacky and wonderful world of American politics? Maybe you’re a little unsure which of the two major pupp—err—parties you want to join: thoughtful, middle-of-the-road Democrats or rich, right-wing Republicans (and, if you’re completely ignorant or stoned, maybe even one of those crazy third parties for smelly hippies)? Well, we Democrats want you to know a few things about us.

The Democratic Party has a long history of liberal-minded politics and great progress for America. Case in point: John F. Kennedy. That’s all you need to know. We stand by our legendary hall of famer.

Today, the Democrats are still going strong, even after Al Gore’s tough loss in 2000. Some of you may wonder where we stand on important current issues, like our floundering economy or going to war with Iraq. It can be hard to tell from the recent media coverage, which basically consists of a lot of nodding and bending over on our part, but we do have opinions. Really good ones.

Our Democratic friends in Congress proved that they are more than willing to sacrifice and slaughter innocent lives by endorsing President Bush’s wild, Bronco Billy-style war for oil control in the Middle East. I repeat: We are not the liberal wusses you have been led to believe. We will send our poor sons and assorted lemmings to war, knives in teeth, with the best of them.

And when elected, we too have proven adept at structuring government around the interests of elite funding sources. Some of us may have been activists back in the crazy ‘60s, but c’mon—today we live in a global dog-rape-dog-then-slowly-eat-dog world where only the dirty survive. Things are (in the parlance of our times) “bomb diggity” as long as the U.S. is still No. 1. We’ll make little concessions that sound like liberal policy to the illiterate public—but unless you’re some fruit loop, then you already know that, like our Republican friends, we do what we’re told by our masters. And we like it.

Republicans are too old-fashioned in their Fascist techniques. They wear bow ties (like toilet bitch Tucker Carlson) and often sound like rednecks/and or racists. Plus they’re so arrogant. They think if they talk tough, manipulate the news and keep new enemies coming, America’s human cattle will keep lining up for slaughter. We Democrats are for the ethical slaughter of cattle.

Right now, we caution restraint yet totally support the call for war.

See how it works?

Weekly props
1. Chico civil disobedience

2. Standish comedy team 10/25 at the Senator

3. Low and Pan American at Capitol Garage

4. Bill Walton dancing at Bob Dylan ("Masters of War")

5. “It’s an embarrassing time to be an American."—"Jihad” Jessica Lange