Sacramento Kings on preview
As most folks in Mudville gear up for the pinnacle of the baseball season (go Giants), the time is upon us for my favorite pro sport to begin: NBA basketball.

The entertaining Sacramento Kings are sporting new jerseys and, lest we forget, an athletic and versatile new big man, backup center/power forward Keon Clark from the Toronto Raptors (sorry Vin-sanity). Clark gives the Kings some things they sorely need: an athletic rebounder and inside presence capable of altering opposing players’ shots, as well as an exciting offensive finisher who will bring fan favorite “alley oop” slams back to Sacto. As a result, wily veteran Vlade Divac—the William Shatner of NBA flopping—will get more rest and can be utilized at the end of the game more effectively by head coach Rick Adelman, played this year by Dabney Coleman.

Fans should watch out for versatile swingman Gerald Wallace. The young rookie has reportedly picked up his defensive skills and should get more minutes running with a daunting second-team unit made up of Pollard, Clark, Turkoglu and the awesome Bobby Jackson. Yes, yes y’all. The Graduate will be rockin! Note to business owners downtown: If you’re smart, you’ll get the Kings satellite package. Tickets are already sold out for every game.

As far as Webber goes: What can I say? Every few years he makes a dumb decision that can have a negative effect on his team. It’s who he is. Hopefully his federal trial for needlessly lying to a grand jury won’t come during a crucial time of the season. If he ever gets decent legal advice, he will see that the best response is to hurry up, plead out and take the slap on the wrist. He lied about taking money as a kid, and they have receipts to prove it. Duh.

The Lakers remain the champs to beat. But everyone is bored of selfish Kobe and elbow-throwing Shaq, two bloated egos backed by fans who probably love the Lakers because they’ve always won. As my boy Mike Bibby pointed out recently, they’re supposed to be the best, and when they get help from the refs as in last year’s notorious Game 6—bemoaned by Ralph Nader, of all people—of course they win. The Fakers get all the calls because L.A. is a big television market and the NBA wants ratings.

The Kings are a real team that suffered years of abuse and losing seasons in the NBA equivalent of Siberia. Now, we are the underdogs and the people’s favorites across the nation; our time is at hand. We can take the 2003 championship and watch as the whole city of Sacramento ignites in wild celebration. Can you digggggg that, Shaq, you toe-heavy freak of nature?

Weekly props
1. Halloween preps

2. The planet Quaor (or 2002 LM60)

3. Grant Napear

4. Futuro his/her handheld toilets (Rite Aid)

5. The Chris Bopst radio show