Top ‘College Girls Gone Wild’ moments during Chico’s Labor Day float
11. The moving 9-11 tribute when three topless blondes sang “America the Beautiful,” spelling out U.S.A. on their chests.

10. The lobster-fried fat dude passed out face-first in a deflated inner tube tied to a muddy stump.

9. The Limp Biscuit-blaring hillbilly rape float beached on a rock offering ass crack Jell-O shots to passing tubers.

8. The pubic sculpture contest on Bama Kai’s floating disco floor.

7. The Marquis dancers noon show featuring water toys.

6. The genital piercing/sloppy tattoo float followed by the medical-waste float. (also made it onto Fox’s You Gotta See This)

5. The vomiting 15-year-old overdose float.

4. The trustafarian bong float featuring “toke for tits” and hair wraps.

3. The 20-person brawl aboard a Hobbit mini-raft over unlicensed naked video of someone’s girlfriend.

2. The show-your-parents-how-much-you-hate-them live group sex float.

1. The Guinness Book of World Records photo for Most Tools in One River.

Tom Tomorrow in Tinseltown?
I recently received an e-mail from Dan Perkins, the political cartoonist most people around the country know as Tom Tomorrow of This Modern World fame. Seems Dan the Man has been co-authoring a screenplay with hilarious muckraker Michael Moore, and the two Bushwhackers are currently in the final stages of nailing down financing for the “fictional satirical narrative film,” as he calls it. Perkins will be art director, and I (for one) will be in the audience whenever this baby hits the screens. That is, if Big Brother hasn’t rammed through more civil-liberty-destroying legislation banning political cartoons by then.

But who cares as long as our daily habits aren’t interrupted too much. It’s not as if those clever terrorists (dare I mention forest fires, chem. warfare, mall bombers, etc.) will continue attacks on U.S. soil after we invade Iraq, right?

Baghdad Battle Royal
Concerning similarities between upcoming Nov. Iraq war and Vietnam under Nixon:

“The rationale became that Washington had to use its military might to preserve the possibility of using its military might (or the threat of that might) down the road. If you take a chessboard view of the world, this reasoning makes some sense. But it was a slim abstraction for which to sacrifice tens of thousands of Americans and kill hundreds of thousands of Vietnamese.”

—David Corn

Weekly props
1. Drive the speed limit in town and quit talking on your cell phones, a-holes!!!!!

2. All the performers at Bustolini’s songwriter night

3. Craig Blamer’s late-night movie series at the Pageant (weekends)

4. J-Zone “Pimps don’t pay taxes”