Fear factor
As part of his ongoing campaign to stir fear into the hearts of Americans and add fuel to the burning zealotry of blind patriotic fervor, George W. Bush is touring different kindergartens (between vacations) to answer questions about upcoming wars in the name of corporate global domination. As luck would have it, the president visited an accelerated first-grade class at St. Mary Mother of Christ Elementary School in Alexandria, Va., where he often crumbled under the pressure of questioning from 7- and 8-year-olds. The following is transcribed from portions of a Cheesespread-obtained video of the classroom discussion. Like the corporate-owned nightly news, it has been edited to highlight key propaganda.

Jenny (7 yrs old): How come the terrorists in the video you showed had to kill the doggy with gas?

Bush: That’s easy. You see, terrorists hate all living things and won’t stop until they’ve used weapons of mass destruction to kill us all. That same cyanide gas could creep through your chimney in the night like some yellow-eyed Santa. … It’s important that when you see images of Muslims, you remember puppies being gassed or torn up with box cutters. Now, what do we do if we see Al Qaeda, class?

Class (all together): Stop, drop and call the FBI.

Petra (6 yrs old): Concerning the impending Iraq war, how could we be the only civilized country in the world that’s right about this? Why don’t we trust the United Nations or pursue non-violent democratic change? Is this really all about oil?

Bush: Look at the brain on Petra! I may have a job for you, little girl, once you’ve gotten your boobies (snicker). … We must show these terrorists and other rebellious fiends like them that America will squash them before they can dream of committing evil. As for the other part, Saudis are our friends—I believe that’s (hmprf, cough) beyond reason. Next question.

Billy (7 yrs): My mom can’t afford to take care of my dying grandparents because all the corporate criminals stole her money. Who’s gonna take care of me when I get old?

Bush: Sorry ’bout your grandparents, Billy, sounds like they’re goners. But these are hard times, and poor choices may be traced to prior drug use. Perhaps your mother needs my new marriage training class we offer welfare people. … And I’m fightin’ for privatized Social Security, where all the money you’ll ever need is handled by the whiz people over on Wall Street. So tell mama to rest assured—the house always wins. And if she’s cookin’ dope at home, rest assured we’ll get her. And when we do, she ain’t never gonna hurt you again. Boys, take down his number.

Billy: Wha? But … not my mothe—

Bush: Now I gotsta get. Life of a president (snicker). Always on the move.

Weekly props
1. Welcome back, students (drive safe)

2. Saturday-night karaoke at Gina Marie’s

3. Slamball

4. The Kid Stays in the Picture

5. Dr. Drew vs. Chico State Sluts