One small step for toilet humor
Even though there are important things going on in the world and many receive scant light beneath the mainstream media stranglehold of two-headed babies and celebrity worship, sometimes I have to forget about making fun of atrocities, ignorance, etc., and say to hell with it, lest the abyss of stupidity look too longingly into my own soul.

Stuff like the recently passed Fast Track bill that slipped through public opinion with the stealth of a greased proctologist’s glove, henceforth giving Bush II free reign to foist our country’s regulatory flaws on the rest of the world. And what about this Iraq war/oil plan that even the war hawk generals think is stupid, or Ashcroft’s campaign to turn us all into Big Brother? Troubled times indeed.

Sometimes I just need to forget such crap for a while and think about what people really want to read in a bite-sized throwaway column written at the last second every week between a bagel and online news search. And the answer, of course, is always quite simple: HOT SEX! (And lots of it.)

So, back by miniscule demand: a few more sick and twisted Too Spicy Personals from the vault.

Men Seeking Women

Yikes! Tired of guys who can’t commit? Call me for deviant frolicking through the sewers of love. Unwholesome needle-sharer will take matters into own mouth. You be holy/untouchable.

Women Seeking Men

Balloon full of sugar Arrogant, oily DWF seeks Mary Poppins type for humiliating mall sex. Must look good with lubricated balloon animals. Spoil me and I will laugh at your pain.

Men Seeking Men

Bring me flowers Beauty school dropout seeks well-endowed homeowner. Don’t be a park toilet florist; give your one flower to me. Call soon and we drink Chocolate Yoohoos by moonlight.

Kentucky Waterfall Want to pee on my mullet? Experienced golden shower lover seeks willing fountain Cupid for summer fun. No asparagus please. Serious inquiries only.

Men Seeking Dolls

Pet my kitty Republican ex-mall cop, WM, wants used Asian blow-up doll turned on by my Hello Kitty briefs for possible LTR. No drug mules or Satan freaks.


I mean, come on! We be adventuresome, Ketamine-snorting Sha-Na-Na fans, you be lactating cat lover. Meet us for kinky rendezvous where the mud turns to wine. Ring twice on the bat phone.

Personals brought to you by MTV’s Real World: Chico
Airing this week, roommate Steve has to confront issues of personally ingrained racism when he moves to the big city and discovers roommate Howie does not appreciate his flippant use of the common frat-boy-who-never-experienced-a-tangible-Jewish-community-phrase, “You jewed me,” after a controversial Foosball call. (Catch the drama Tuesday night at 7:30 p.m. on local access.)

Weekly props
1. King Keon, baby!! (I’m lovin’ it)
2. David Attel (Insomniac) in Chico 10/8
3. Homegrown peach parties
4. Lee Hazelwood tribute