Cheesespread

2. Al-Qaeda operatives started working on a manmade virus that could wipe out civilization as we know it.___

3. A Chico man at the forefront of the medical-marijuana debate for growing plants near Chico High School faces a 10-year mandatory-minimum sentence.___

4. The U.S. government overrides state laws concerning drugs, while Britain has moved toward decriminalization of “the devil weed."___

5. Basketball star Allen Iverson shot his wife and three men in a Virginia hotel then threw a party at his mansion while awaiting his lawyer’s return from Barbados.___

6. George Bush II invited Ozzy Osbourne to the White House for dinner and told him, “Dude, ‘Snowblind’ always makes me wanna toot up."___

7. Semen was recently determined to be a mood enhancer by a panel of largely male scientists.___

8. John Walker Lindh pled guilty to aiding the Taliban but claimed he did it all to get closer to Julia Roberts.___

9. The U.S. military accidentally bombed an Afghani wedding, killing loads of innocent women and children, then blew off responsibility for the incident without so much as an apology.___

10. It’s widely acknowledged that George Bush II swindled far more money through illegal stock operations than Martha Stewart.___

11. It’s also acknowledged that no Bush II crime can get him impeached during “never-ending wartime"—save perhaps his murdering someone with a golf club on live TV.___

(ANSWERS: 1.T 2.T/F 3.T 4.T 5.F 6.F 7.T 8. F 9.T 10.T 11.T)

You Mormons better treat her well
My fear has been realized. We’ve lost one of our great news anchorwomen of all time and a spiritual guiding light as well—local celebrity Christianne Klein has reportedly taken a big-time job as a CBS anchorwoman in Salt Lake City, Utah, leaving dedicated fans like myself behind to lick in vain at her disappearing afterimage on a blank, black screen.

When I think of how many lonely nights I curled on the couch in my silk robe with only the beaming visage of this shiny blonde pillar of light, her irrepressible smile and sparkling silver cross so prominently displayed around her bare neck.

She was Marilyn, Madonna and Mansfield all rolled into one.

Who could forget the dazzling appearances on the ex-late-night show Politically Incorrect as a champion for right-wing, unwavering Repub/Bush cronies? Her steadfast commitment to one of the most corrupt governments in our nation’s history surely made us all proud—especially during wartime.

All I can say is: Those darn Mormons are always getting lucky.

Weekly props
1. Jamba Juice fix

2. The Hydrogen Economy by Jeremy Rifkin

3. Southern Culture on the Skids at Sierra Nevada 10/15

4. Shakespeare in the Park (N&R night, 7/21)