Connie Chung: Osama, you’re the “it” guy right now, so let’s start with you. What do you think of the recent judicial problems involving the Pledge of Allegiance?
Osama Bin Laden: All Americans and Jews must die slowly and painfully for their sins against Allah, the holy Muslim shrines and their people. God is great.
Chung: President Bush, a response?
George W. Bush: Well now, I don’t know about that (snickers). Why don’t you stick your head outta that dirty little hole you hidin’ at, boy, let us blow it off (git git)
Jerry Falwell: Excuse me, Connie. Jesus has turned his back on the Muslim world just like he has turned his back on all the bone-smokers, baby-chokers and chicken-tokers out there. As it says on my Web site www.Jerry—
Chung: Osama, would your rage be satisfied if Allah was included in the pledge?
Bin Laden: Your pledge means nothing—your words but sand in the wind. Americans are godless devils with McDonald’s fries, and you will choke on your own fatty greed, God willing.
Bush: Don’t mess with Mickey D’s buddy. You don’t see Americans wiping their butts in the sand—'cause we’re a civilized nation. An’ I just want you to know here and now that I never did like you. Even back at the family picnic thing. I was just being nice to you ‘cause Daddy made me. Right now, you’re on the wrong team, Kemosabe. And if you ain’t part of the solution you’re part of the problem.
Chung: Mr. bin Laden, just when did you become evil and how has it affected your children?
Bin Laden: Yours is a crumbling nation at the whim of Allah’s holy warriors. We know the one true God will carry us to bloody victory, for the holy scriptures tell us so; Allah is the supreme being.
Falwell: Not from where I’m sitting, Jack. Maybe in some cornhole-buggering bizarro world where fags roam free, pro-choicers spout their pagan worship in the street and towelheads shoot women for reading the funny papers. We got a kinder, gentler God in the good ole U.S. of A—and you kids can learn more about him on my Web site, at www, dot—
Bin Laden: Silence, swine. We will never give up. It is you who worship a false God.
Bush: Nope. Our God is great. The American people know they’re the greatest. And we know evil. We’ll give you a crusade like you never seen.
Bin Laden: Our God is great.
Bush: Nope. Our God.
Bin Laden: Our God.
Bush (puts hands over ears, closes eyes): Our God, Our God, Our …
Bin Laden: Our God, infinity plus one.
Chung: There you have it, folks. Insane talk from a bloodthirsty religious nut tempered by moral, God-loving rebuttals from two future shapers of this country.
Falwell: For complete transcripts, check my Web site at www. …
1. Cool water
2. Midnight Lassen parties
3. Chrystal and Eric’s wedding in Paradise ("Shining Star” first dance)
4. John Entwistle R.I.P.