Top 10 reasons why I should be on the cover of SN&R

Wherein we present the results of our humor, chutzpah and shameless self-promotion contest!

W. L. “Sassy” Ellis is the winner of our Top 10 Reasons I Should Be on the Cover of SN&R contest. Sassy wants you to know she’s a 50-something chick who is still hot!

W. L. “Sassy” Ellis is the winner of our Top 10 Reasons I Should Be on the Cover of SN&R contest. Sassy wants you to know she’s a 50-something chick who is still hot!

Photo By Wes Davis

Thanks to local comedian Keith Lowell Jensen (see his list below), who spurred the idea for our Top 10 cover contest.

We asked you to send us the top 10 reasons why you should be on the cover of SN&R—and you delivered! Without futher ado, we present the top 10 list for our big winner, W.L. “Sassy” Ellis, who graces the cover you now hold in your hands. Also find herein illuminating lists from our roster of contest finalists.

W.L. “Sassy” Ellis attracted our attention with both her top 10 list and one of her photos. We were very taken by the youthful face on the Navy woman—and the killer grip she had on a very big gun.

It turns out that Ellis comes from a family with a long tradition of military service. Her great-grandfather was a member of colored troops in the Union Army during the Civil War. Her grandfather served in World War II, along with two of her uncles (both of whom served under the first African-American general, Benjamin O. Davis Sr.). Her dad is a Korean War veteran, while Ellis served during the Vietnam War era. That’s where she met her husband, a Sacramentan who is also retired Navy. Her son is currently in the Navy, carrying on the family tradition.

Does she really like guns?

“Sure,” she said. “In the right circumstances, I like guns. They tend to get business completed.”

Ellis earned her nickname from her grandfather, who thought it described her well. The fact that it stuck must mean he was right.

“I’m not really a smart-mouth,” she said, “but I am sassy.”

And now, she’s got the SN&R cover to prove it.

W.L. “Sassy” Ellis; 56; retired veteran, U.S. Navy

10. Because commandoes aren’t all guys.

9. I still got a face SN&R readers would love.

8. Because I’m an over-50 chick who is still hot.

7. I’m a fourth-generation military vet (20 years) and mom of a fifth-generation one.

6. Married to a 20-year vet who is a true Californian. (His great-grandparents came to Allensworth, California in 1908, and that makes me a Married Native.)

5. Because I’m a bad mama jama!

4. Because I’m a pretty black girl, and I need to be on the cover of a magazine that’s cute but irreverent like me.

3. I need to have some kind of fun in public.

2. I’m a girl that can cook, dress, raise great kids, handle a military job (Boatswain’s Mate), be a mentor and want others to know it can be done no matter how you look or in spite of it.

1. I am a loyal, rabid, die-hard SN&R reader.

Daniel Roth, 34, media-relations manager

10. I am just like Joe the Plumber; my first name is not Joe, nor am I a licensed plumber.

9. My homemade lemon bars are what dreams are made of.

8. I have never had a cavity.

7. I was voted “most likely to succeed” in eighth grade and homecoming king in college.

6. I have seen both Michael Bolton and Britney Spears in concert.

5. I blend in with such effectiveness that while visiting cities, natives stop me and ask for directions.

4. Because of my upstanding reputation in the Sacramento community the prince of Nigeria has emailed me asking for my assistance.

3. I am simultaneously the 1 and 99 percent.

2. My statuesque poise while standing on a public sidewalk with my hands in my pockets has led to me being on the cover of The Sacramento Bee and on every Sacramento television news station.

1. I finish 8 Minute Abs in seven minutes.

Natasha Medeiros, 35, property manager

10. My ex-husband would have something else to say about me.

9. My deceased mother would be so proud.

8. I make $9 an hour, work 30 hours a week and raise a child by myself (I deserve a little limelight).

7. I love SN&R’s Meditation of the Week by [Joey Garcia] and I’d be answering one of the beautiful questions in my life.

6. My daughter can take the SN&R for show-and-tell with her mommy on the front: major points in the cool department for her.

5. Can’t afford Christmas gifts, so me on the cover of the magazine would be perfect free gifts for everybody.

4. Always wanted to be on the cover of something.

3. Can’t write poetry, so no Poet’s Corner for me.

2. Horoscope by Brezsny told me to do it.

1. And last but not least, drumroll please … I’m a super-duper Sacramento-crazy SN&R loyal reader!!

William Doonan, 46, college professor

10. Because I won the SN&R Flash Fiction contest last year.

9. Because in the event of sudden loss of cabin pressure, flight attendants secure my oxygen mask first.

8. Because I’m an archaeologist. That’s the coolest job there is. I’ve excavated pyramids, palaces and all manner of prehistoric rubble. Sure, being an astronaut might sound cooler, but remember, there are no mummies in space.

7. Because I’m going to be ready for the coming zombie apocalypse. I’ve already begun stocking up on essentials like Q-tips, box wine and Hawaiian sweet rolls.

6. Because I’ve been a professor at Sac City College for 12 1/2 years. At 40 students per class, that’s about 5,500 people. A full 1 percent of the Sacramento population has taken one of my insanely fun-filled classes!

5. Because I’m willing to do nude scenes, if essential to the plot.

4. Because my horror blog, The Mummies of Blogspace9, has already been read by six unique visitors.

3. Because I’ve spent the last two years learning how to speak Irish. With only 72,000 native speakers, the language is in danger of dying out. And I can’t let that happen.

2. Because I have two great little boys, Will and Huey. They like trains and dirt and cheese sticks, and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

1. Because my wife is smoking. Seriously, she’s out back right now working on a ham. She’s also supercute.

The “best athlete in the world,” Robert C. Bravo has been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking into a room.

Photo By Wes Davis

Robert C. Bravo, 22, pugilist specialist/best athlete in the world

10. Because I’ve amassed an amazingly large DVD collection and never once alphabetized it.

9. Because the pheromones I secrete affect people miles away, in a slight but measurable way.

8. Because my personality is so magnetic, I’m unable to carry credit cards.

7. Because I never say anything tastes like chicken, not even chicken.

6. Because if I were to pat you on the back, you would list it on your résumé.

5. Because my words carry weight that would break a less interesting man’s jaw.

4. Because I once punched a magician! That’s right, you heard me.

3. Because my legend precedes me the way lightning precedes thunder.

2. Because I’ve been known to cure narcolepsy just by walking into a room.

1. Because I’m a lover, not a fighter, but also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas.

Stu Goldberg, 79, licensed ceramic-tile specialist

10. I can take a drink from a new, unopened bottle of wine without removing the cork.

9. Was described by a young observer at the gym as I was stretching, “Your body moves like water.”

8. Am the first living person whose actual photo was on a 39-cent U.S. postage stamp, 2006.

7. Am an “expertologist” at liberty.

6. I can pull a rabbit out of a hat without a rabbit or a hat (can demonstrate).

5. If performing, I may not stop the show, but I can sure as heck slow it up a little.

4. From less than nothing in 1975, I conceived of, started up and ran one of the most copied and imitated discos in San Francisco which grossed over $1 million the first year, without any door charge at all (Dance Your Ass Off Inc., 901 Columbus Avenue).

3. I’ve always believed that education without common sense is a load of books on the back of an ass.

2. My rules for business success: (1) P.I.D. Pin It Down. (2) C.E.Y. Check Everything Yourself. (3) K.Y.O.O. Keep Your Options Open. (4) D.B.A.B.B. Don’t Be a Bridge Burner. (5) K.A.P.M.A. Keep a Positive Mental Attitude. (6) C.Y.A. Cover Your Ass.

1. My all-time favorite motto: “Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.”

DJ Missy Mark, 33, office technician

10. I’ve been deejaying in Sacramento for 15 years, and my name has only been in the SN&R once (Pug’z Records advertisement).

9. I’m the best door girl in Sacramento. I was the Fuck Friday door girl for its entire run. Currently, I’m the door girl at Larry Rodriguez’s Dance Party on Sunday nights.

8. I have really curly hair.

7. I have deejayed everywhere in Sacramento. You name it, and I’ve probably played there. Currently, you can catch me at Old Ironsides every other Second Saturday at Fascination.

6. I make and sell quirky crafts.

5. I’m a girl deejay. It’s a man’s world, although those men respect me.

4. I play CDs.

3. I love music.

2. I’m a hard-working full-time civil servant and student at Sac City [College].

1. I was born and raised in Sacramento, and I love it.

In the event of sudden loss of cabin pressure, flight attendants secure Paul Mann’s oxygen mask first.

Photo By Wes Davis

Paul Mann, 50, investigator

10. The Sammies winner couldn’t make bail.

9. It’s foretold in the book of Revelation. I am the beast.

8. Everyone knows that an appearance on the cover of SN&R leads to some real exposure, like the cover of Sactown Magazine.

7. Unlike Mayor Kevin Johnson (who is—little known fact—also in the book of Revelation), I don’t demand appearance fees, a personal makeup artist (non-union per the new bride, natch) or crystal bowls filled with unwrapped Starburst Fruit Chews, minus the yucky lemon flavors.

6. Awesome show-and-tell for my daughter—Daddy’s famous, Boo-bear!

5. For that entire week, I can skip the Zoloft. Woo-hoo!

4. I asked Joey and she agrees with my life coach that it will help balance my chakras. Namaste.

3. It’s a no-brainer—SN&R subscriptions will increase 10-fold. Huh? You’re free? What are you, idiots?

2. It will fulfill Annie Leibovitz’s lifelong quest to photograph moi, and isn’t that what it’s really all about, giving to others (see also No. 6 above)? That’s just the kind of guy I am.

1. Wallpaper for my man cave, of course.

Steven Parry, 50, medical consultant for state

10. Because I can take the separate medical-marijuana section out if I want to. And roll it.

9. Because all things considered, I would rather live in Sacramento than anywhere else. Even Chico.

8. Because I still read your paper, even when I realized it is “Sacramento News” not “Sacramento Nudes.”

7. Because Joey deserves a good man.

6. Because I am the handsome, well-informed choice.

5. Because I eagerly await your paper, even though I use your voter’s guide in a not-very-liberal fashion.

4. Because I want my face to be the first thing Sacramento sees when it wakes up in the morning.

3. Because popcorn man and me are a tasty duo.

2. Because I can confirm that the massage girls are in fact only for therapeutic purposes.

1. Trust me. I’m a doctor. And that’s just the start of the story.

Daniel Morales, 53, regional sales manager

10. Dang! Another “I dare you!” from lovely wife.

9. Seeking possible free extra shot from surly barista.

8. Just moved here, could not afford greeting cards for all 1,394,154 Sacramento County residents.

7. Potential employers can now match a face to résumé.

6. Trying to impress apathetic new step-daughters.

5. If cover pic is complimentary, will use for Facebook profile shot.

4. Could launch lucrative new career as Anthony Bordain double.

3. Slim chance I could sign autographs for admiring new AARP fan base.

2. Can sell extensive ad space on cover-shot attire.

1. Provide cheap dart board for my angry neighbor’s man cave.

Beatrice M. Hogg has inquired as to when the SN&R last featured a middle-aged, African-American, metal-loving, former Mensan, coal-miner’s daughter on its cover.

Photo By Wes Davis

Beatrice M. Hogg, 54, unemployed writer/social-service worker

10. Because I write better than half of your staff and you know it.

9. Because my best Thrift Town outfits won’t get me on the cover of Vogue.

8. Because my cat needs to know that I am more than just a food-producing, litter-box-cleaning automaton.

7. Because I need a reason for someone other than homeless guys to talk to me on the light-rail train.

6. Because I need the publicity to get a book deal for my rock ’n’ roll memoir.

5. Because I am tired of people treating me like a loser because I have been unemployed for almost three years, my [Unemployment Insurance Program] benefits have run out, and I had to apply for food stamps.

4. Because it would be an antidote to the anonymous porn reviews I have been writing for the past six months.

3. Because I have applied for work there so many times over the years, it’s the least you could do (refer back to reason No. 10).

2. Because it would be my swan song: I am being evicted and will probably be forced to leave Sacramento in November after living here for 20 years.

1. Because when was the last time you featured a middle-aged, African-American, metal-loving, former Mensan, coal-miner’s daughter on your cover?

Rick “Way Cool” Edwards, 65, owner of pet business

10. Because I am an old guy (hate “senior citizen”) who goes for it, wise enough to know my strengths and weaknesses and smart enough to use them to my advantage.

9. Because I am photogenic, great smile, still have mosta’ my teeth and hair, ruggedly handsome at best though.

8. Because I surf and race motorcycles!

7. Because I dance hula!

6. Because I still play basketball and this “ol’ G” got mad skillz!

5. Because I experienced a “death spiral” last week, and laughed about it … after I figured out that I lived through it.

4. Because I have been married four times!

3. Because I was born in a foreign country, speak English, became a citizen, and I am a former Marine and Vietnam [War] veteran.

2. Because I run a very successful pet-sitting business and the PR would generate more business to allow me to hire some help.

1. Because everyone knows me as “Way Cool”!

Amy Scott, 29, pharmacy worker and local music scene photographer

10. So all my friends can say, “Wait, I know her!”

9. If Josh Fernandez had his pretty face on the cover of SN&R, then why can’t I?

8. I can last over 3 1/2 minutes without blinking.

7. I’ve appeared in three local films (Sukeban Octopus Pot, Love Blade, Chump Change).

6. I can find almost anything I have a question about on Google.

5. I need help deciding on whether to pursue my pole-dancing routine or my stand-up routine (which I have changed to sit-down routine since I am too lazy to stand up).

4. I’m big on promoting local music/art/business.

3. I have over 85,000 photos uploaded to my Flickr account, most of them from local live-music shows.

2. I don’t want to be famous. I want to be infamous, so I could use the press.

1. I’m kind of a local celebrity.

Keith Lowell Jensen, 30-something, laugh inciter

10. I started the Trash Film Orgy, now a beloved Sacramento tradition going strong for over 10 years.

9. I founded I Can’t Believe It’s Not Comedy, one of the coolest things to ever happen in this town as far as I’m concerned.

8. I started the Coexist? Comedy Tour and The Comedians With Disabilities Act, both still touring.

7. I produced and starred in Why Lie? I Need a Drink.

6. I run Comedy Night at Luna’s [Café & Juice Bar], now in its third year.

5. I’m releasing my second stand-up comedy CD (and first DVD), produced and recorded right here in Sacramento.

4. It will piss of Don Geronimo.

3. My sister’s dog has been on the cover. If I don’t get there before Christmas, the holidays will be most unpleasant.

2. I’m hot (and photogenic).

1. You owe me for continuing to not have Best Stand-Up Comedian as a category in your Best of Sacramento.

Jeff Gephart, 35, elementary-school teacher and novelist

10. I’ve written two fiction novels, both published and available in bookstores, and you know how the chicks dig guys who write cerebral, slow-moving stories that make it nowhere near the best-sellers list.

9. I’m photogenic! I have an uncanny resemblance to Denzel Washington, if he were a younger, shorter, white man who had cosmetic surgery complications that ended up making him kind of resemble actor Nick Stahl.

8. I give back to my community by teaching elementary school, but I haven’t yet developed an uncontestable drinking problem. As far as you know.

7. A resident and fixture of Midtown, I’m as likely to be spotted as leaf blowers and stolen bicycles.

6. I’m the one who taught the ducks in McKinley Park to swim. Also, the squirrels around town are so jittery because they’re mainly afraid of disappointing me.

5. I have been a faithful reader of SN&R for years. As a matter of fact, I’ve already paid the subscription for the entire next year in advance.

4. I’m currently the 1,034th most knowledgeable wine taster in the Sacramento Region. I once asked a lady from Sobon Estates Winery if their Cougar Hill Zinfandel contains any sweat from the brow of Courtney Cox.

3. I am a die-hard Sacramento Kings fan and staunch supporter of the Here We Stay campaign. I have not missed a single game so far this season, and I gotta say, it feels pretty good to still be undefeated!

2. I volunteer with the American River Conservancy and think one of the best things about SN&R is its vocal support of environmental causes, so that’s why I’m entering this contest, and not the contest to get on the cover of Strangling Baby Ostriches Month.

1. I convinced the word “text” to become a verb. I overcame my pollen allergies through diplomacy. I successfully copyrighted the color orange, but not the fruit.

Elaine Johnson, 47, personal-development coach

10. My dog died last month.

9. My house was foreclosed six months ago.

8. I work with the homeless.

7. I’m bipolar.

6. I’m a single mom.

5. I make a bitchin’ meat loaf.

4. I’m almost 50, but the other night a hot guy in his 20s on the patio at R15 bought me a drink and told me I had a “Midtown vibe”—and he wasn’t even trying to pick me up!

3. Did I mention I work with the homeless?

2. I write a pretty popular column for a local online publication, and it would be the sort of classy gesture that says, “We’re all one big happy media family here in The Big Tomato!”

1. I think it would be cool to share the cover with other Sacramento icons—human or otherwise—and it would be fun to pick them; I’m no Oprah!

In 1982, Geoffrey P. Wong sued former Assembly Speaker Willie Brown for the right to live in Governor Jerry Brown’s Governor’s Mansion.

Photo By Wes Davis

Geoffrey P. Wong, 70, attorney

10. Led a band of pirates that hijacked the Delta King Riverboat from Stockton to Sacramento (July 1969).

9. Successfully sued Assembly Speaker Willie Brown for the right to live in Jerry Brown’s Governor’s Mansion at the end of Jerry’s Term No. 1 (1982).

8. Only ex-Monarch of a Pacific Island Kingdom in exile in Sacra-Tomato, “The Sultan of Yanuca,” Fiji Islands (SF Chronicle: July 4-6, 1968) and To Tell the Truth (CBS-TV quiz show, August 1968).

7. Movie reviewer for KVIE, PBS TV (1994-1996); KCRA TV news (1973-1975); and Sacramento Union (1971-1980).

6. Author of two published novels: A Golden State of Mind and Golden Daze.

5. Lost two different mayoral bids: mayor to the city of Sacramento (1971)—placed third of eight candidates—and runner-up mayor of Old Sacramento (1974), but bested all comers for Sacramento Frisbee Champ (1969).

4. Late-night TV host of Truly Rotten Movies, GWAT: Geoff Wong Adventure Theater—on KCRA (1971-1976).

3. Partner in Sterling Hotel, Chanterelle Restaurant and Vizcaya [Pavilion & Mansion] (1988-2011).

2. Fly the flag of all 32 countries visited on each of their national holidays on my balcony flagpole overlooking Capitol Park.

1. At age 70, I’m still a master of self-promotion.

P.S. Don’t need the book deal.


Paul Michael

10. Mom! I got a job!

9. I will be the somebody I always thought but nobody knew.

8. Moves me up the list for a White House dinner invitation.

7. SN&R gets more water-cooler buzz.

6. Puts Sacramento on the map of planet interesting.

5. I am (sorry… you’re not).

4. The swag.

3. Groupies.

2. I’ve always wanted to take out a restraining order on a stalker.

1. Entourage, baby, entourage.

Ian Martinez

10. I play electric guitar

9. I drive a Dodge Stratus

8. Being-on-the-cover-of-stuff season is coming, so I’d like to get a jump on that.

7. I would like to see my face on something other than Facebook.

6. C’mon

5. I know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop.

4. I can name every song on every Led Zeppelin album.

3. You can’t make an omelet without putting me on the cover.

2. Reason number two is in song form, bold and daring, you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, it’s Reason No. 2.

1. I found the droids I was looking for.

Eric Geiger

10. I’m over 50 and this shouldn’t be wasted on anyone younger than 50—they have plenty of time and opportunity to achieve something like this on their own merit, without having to resort to a “charity” cover.

9. I’ve been waiting my whole life to be “discovered” just like in the days of old Hollywood. I recently figured out that it isn’t going to happen. This is the closest I’m ever going to get.

8. If I’m never going to have fame, I’ll happily settle for “notoriety.” As cool as News & Review is, “fame” from a cover photo—come on that’s a little bit of a stretch.

7. I’m shallow enough that this would make me happy.

6. Because I’m honest enough not to spin a tale about losing my home to foreclosure right after my wife and child died in an auto accident. I was recently laid off at work and was just diagnosed with terminal cancer so this will be my last Xmas on this planet and it would mean the world to be able to be on the cover.

5. I am the uncoordinated gay son of an athletic coach and have five athletic siblings all of which were nationally ranked athletes in various sports. I was in the chess club—do you think I might have some self-esteem issues? My therapist thinks that this would be a fabulous way to help with those issues.

4. Hopefully this photo will turn out to be a more flattering shot than the wanted poster currently at the Post Office.

3. You could even shoot me from the back—might be kind of cool, certainly would be different.

2. I’ve never really won anything before, other than third-grade spelling bee, and this would be a much better thing to be buried with than my second-place spelling bee ribbon.

1. This isn’t going to change my life, my career path, my age, height or weight. It’s not going to get me laid or make me rich but it sure would be a hoot and a kick in the ass. Did I mention that I’m vain and shallow?

Douglas Newton

10. If you put me on the cover of SN&R, then you can claim to have discovered a rare, local talent before someone else does.

9. My daughter is the cutest baby alive, and photographing her in my arms will virtually guarantee a surge in SN&R advertising revenue.

8. I wear my heart on my sleeve so thoroughly that all my shirts are stained with blood.

7. Someone at one of my gigs once mistook my original song for a Bob Dylan composition.

6. Rumor has it my great great-great grandfather, pre-statehood governor Alvarado, commissioned the land to John Sutter to establish his fort—how much rootsier and local can I get?

5. I have the perfect face for radio.

4. I wrote a song called, “Don’t Grow Up To Be a Lawyer.”

3. My paintings connect the atoms to the stars (or at least point the way).

2, Whenever I sing, somewhere a flower blooms, and the world becomes more colorful. Okay, the sun, nitrogen fixation and photosynthesis may also play a role here.

1. What other artist do you know whose life was threatened for leading an environmental protest in Taiwan?

Sonia Petrozello

10. Because I am the lady on the pink scooter in town. Everybody smiles and gives me the thumbs up when they see me on my scooter.

9. Because I am the best dressed state worker.

8. Because I own more than 350 shoes, 45 boots, and have not counted my flip-flops, etc. I beat Imelda Marcos a long time ago!

7. Because I am broke due to buying so many shoes and need someone to contribute to my cause.

6. Because I am so cool to hang out with and have fun with that once you know me you want to be my friend.

5. Because I am so hot that I am a cougar. Yes! There is no way that I would have an old foggy as my main squeeze. Only younger! And I have not had any plastic surgery. Not yet … So there, Demi Moore!

4. Because I have done more exciting adventures than Hemingway and D.H. Lawrence put together. Except I need to get going with my writing. Is there anyone in the audience who wants to sponsor my story?

3. Because it would be interesting and fun for others read about me. I will be their inspiration!

2. Because I am a strange, yet cute, bird!

1. Because Sacramento needs to know that there is a state worker who is intelligent but not a book worm, cute and sexy (but not vain), organized (among all things!), adventurous, sporty, and athletic, but not a jock, fair and fights for the logical truth!

My Crafty Ways

10. Because, as a kid, I was ALWAYS picked last in dodge ball … I’m much cooler now.

9. Because, upon a glance, readers will think you scored an interview with Sandra Bullock’s distant cousin, twice removed.

8. Because I am a SAHM … we ALL deserve to be recognized and I could really use a shower and some adult interaction.

7. Besides you ain’t got nothing better to do and I’m bored (and because I am a child of 80s rock).

6. Because I would run around to all the local coffee shops signing covers (as Sandra’s cousin) while singing the theme song to FAME.

5. Because every cover model should be a size 10.

4. Because laundry, bill paying, Facebooking and picking kids up from school can wait … this is important.

3. Because I am a fully realized human being and my clarity is infectious. People need me on the cover.

2. Because I need to get Christmas card photos done and I am too lazy and cheap to do it myself.

1. Because I am a sadistic introvert who loves a challenge and winning would absolutely mortify me.

Lauren Norton

10. I seem to be on a winning streak lately. Today I won the Jack Kerouac poetry prize. This month I won the Over the Edge New Writer of the Year Competition. I also won a prize from the UC Davis Dean for Artwork & Performance. I’m going to buy a lottery ticket this weekend, so you’ll probably want my face on the cover for winning that too.

9. If photographed from just the right angle, I’m fairly easy on the eye—see attached photograph … or, you could go the shock route and photograph me from any other angle. Not so pretty, but the hipsters might dig it.

8. I have a funny accent. (Your readers probably won’t pick up on this.) I moved here from Ireland a few years ago. The tanked economy makes me feel right at home.

7. I’m the front woman of a band, The Souterrain. It;s a French word meaning underground. If you put me on the cover of SN&R, we won’t be underground for much longer. See what I did there?

6. Despite what I said above, I’m actually a pretty giving person. I’ve volunteered at ArtsBridge, teaching creative writing in some of the worst schools in Sacramento. I donate to public radio. I help old ladies across the street. When I was touring in Europe, I helped three fainting elderly people on public transport in one day!

5. Golden rings!

4. I’m starting a once monthly, non-profit flea market in Davis. Cause farmer’s markets bore me.

3. Before I jacked it all in to become a starving musician, I was an instructor at UC Davis. I have been dating a former student for the past six months…. scandal!

2. I’m about to be announced as the newest Republican candidate for the presidency.

1. Go on. I’ll make you a cup of tea that’ll make you weep.

Carrie Hjorth

10. Because while standing in the check-out line at the Sacramento Natural Foods Coop, I asked if anyone knew where they kept the Guns and Ammo magazines.

9. Because I believe that the value of a “weight-loss program” is directly proportional to the amount of weight you need to lose, the amount of time you have (or want to spend) to lose the weight, and the amount of crystal-meth you are willing to do.

8. Because I am a girl who loves Monty Python!

7. Because one of my best friends is the former porn star known as: Roy L. Shaft!

6. Because I went to UC Davis, learned proper laboratory procedures, read a copy or two of High Times, procured some delightful Psyllicibin mushroom spores from the aforementioned periodical, read the book: The Mushroom Cultivator, and let my subversive intellect go to work to produce the total hallucinogenic experience with Psyllicibin mushroom crops of exceptionally high, high, beam- me- the- fuck- up- outta- here- Scotty, WTF potency!

5. Because I was born with conjoined toes (second and third toes) on both feet.

4. Because my last name is Hjorth (yes, that’s how you spell it). It is Scandinavian with too many consonants and not enough vowels, and is the Danish word for a reindeer buck or stag. I’m Viking, beeyotch!

3. Because quite frankly, I have a persistent cranial-rectal inversion. Here’s a moment to mull this term over … need more time? … idiot! And I’m the one with my head up my ass, persistently!

2. Because I am the exact opposite of a “golddigger,” I will actually pay for my own drugs, sleep with you anyway, pay for your drugs, make sure you have a care package of drugs for the weekend, buy you some new clothes, pay my own rent, let you live with me for little to no rent, buy your kid clothes and gifts, and am I making my point?

1. Because I was voted Best Dressed Girl Senior Class of ‘89, Paso Robles High School, Paso Robles. That’s gotta qualify me for some sort of self-entitled fame; I’ll be famous for being famous.

Gene Avery

10. Because Josh Fernandez tolerates me … and how many other stale-testosterone 0ld Guys in their 60’s can say that?

9. I can’t think of anything for #9

8. Because as member of Dutch Falconi Orchestra I received 2 Sammies Back in the Day

7. Because I’m life-long bro-frends with b.l. Kennedy, Victor Wong & Steve Vanoni all 3 of whom were on SNR cover & I can’t let them out-do me

6. Because Blair Anthony Robinson did two features on me with photos in Sacra BEE (emphasis on me as a cookt & cure’d sausage)

5. Because it will prab’ly lock-in that Book Deal.

4. Because I prefer my face on SN&R cover to ROLLING STONE (lie)

3. Because I was janitor (subcontract) at SN&R (19th & J) and my genius went unrecognize’d except by a couple of late-hour cubicle-workers who soon found me annoying with no sense of propriety until they succumb’d (!swoon’d!) to my genial < pun > charm.

2. Because I’m very photogenic.

1. Because I’m the premiere Geriatric Emo in Sacramento.