Knocked up and knocked sideways

The trouble with early deadlines is when you get caught with your pants down. Sometimes you end up writing about anything.

And, speaking about pants down, how ’bout that Spears clan? For those of you with an appetite for the salacious, this is better than, oh, Christmas dinner at a Smorga Bob’s restaurant circa 1972. To recap: While Britney was careening around Tinseltown, occasionally pulling into an AM/PM for a fresh bag of Cheetos, a Thirsty-Two Ouncer, a pack of Marlboros and a purloined Bic lighter, li’l sister Jamie Lynn, age 16, done got herself knocked up. The official line is: It was a boy she met in church. But some people are sayin’ it was an executive at that there Nickelodeon network who’s old enough to be her grandpaw. Meanwhile, the same people are jabberin’ that the reason Britney’s been so unhinged lately was that K-Fed was gettin’ a little MILF action with Mommy Spears, whose book on “Christian parenting” appears to be headed for the “file next to O.J. Simpson’s latest book proposal” section. Maybe Simon & Schuster, the Viacom sister company to Nickelodeon, will pick it up.

Sacre bleu! If I was Daddy Spears, I’d be hard at work on a serious liquid lobotomy about now.

Around town, I can’t think of any local music story nearly as trashy. Come on, Sacto musicians! Can we make 2008 a little more interesting for those of us who value train wreckage over musical virtuosity?

In retrospect, 2007 was pretty low-key. Yeah, Iguanadon managed to summon Dick Che-, I mean, uh, Nyarlathotep at several of its gigs this year, and it’s been confirmed that songs from We Ryde Tonyte, the band’s CD, were heard blasting from Cheney’s ceremonial office at the Executive Office Building around the time a fire broke out last week.

Other favorite moments: watching Ricky Berger open for Richard Thompson at the 24th Street Theater earlier this month. And while a few of Thompson’s more chronically dour fans may not have been as smitten as the rest of us, Berger pulled off the difficult feat of going before one of the greatest guitarists in the known universe with joyful aplomb. If only she’d release that long-awaited debut CD …

Another moment: walking into cafes and places around town during springtime and hearing Agent Ribbons’ CD On Time Travel and Romance snaking out of speakers, providing a rare moment of local synchronicity. That disc certainly got my vote for local album of the year.

Another: seeing Red Host perform on several occasions. Chelsea Wolfe is great when she sings stripped-down folk music, but it’s in a power-trio context where she really shines. A few more songs to fill out the band’s notoriously short set list, and my guess is that the Host will be a killer headliner.

Another: Art Lessing & the Flower Vato, playing in front of Bodytribe on several Second Saturdays. Dan Quinlan’s textural guitarisms offer the perfect soundtrack for resting between gallery hops.

And one more: Kountry Karaoke night with the Alkali Flats at Old Ironsides. Nothing like exploring country music’s pre-1970 golden age than this real cool time.

Here’s to a swell, rampant-trailer-trash 2008, everybody.