Como a virgin

Got a spicy question about Mexicans?
Letters will be edited for clarity cabrones—unless you’re a racist pendejo. And include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!

Dear Mexican:

When are the racial minorities going to give up la causa? We have a black man for el presidente, and as a white, middle-aged male, I couldn’t be happier. I have been hearing all of my life about how oppressed the racial minorities have been and what needs to be done with society to finally recognize Martin Luther King Jr.’s dream of people being judged by the content of their character rather than by the color of their skin. I say that Barack Obama’s election has finally brought us to the place where all discrimination can end. Everyone needs to stop using what some people’s illiterate ancestors did to someone else’s illiterate ancestors as an excuse to justify further discrimination. No more excuses. Everyone, regardless of color, needs to pull together to make this a better place, and continuing to look for special dispensation through any mechanism that uses race as a deciding factor (e.g., any type of racial quota or a Supreme Court justice being chosen based on race) is, in my opinion, the largest racial wrong that we are currently promoting.

What we can do, though, is move forward in a way that does not favor or disfavor anyone based upon the color of their skin. Discrimination is always wrong, and there is no valid justification for it. Even when you are discriminating to try to help a particular group, you are still discriminating against another. Our society has been trying to undo discrimination by doing more of it, and it is time for that to end, and for us all to move forward as Americans. “E pluribus unum” has been our motto from the beginning, and I think it is past time to embrace that motto completely. Comprende?

—Color-blind in Katy

Dear Gabacho:

When will “racial minorities” give up la causa? When supposedly color-blind gabachos like yourself learn that the saying is “¿Comprendes, Mendes?” And stop with the bullshit mock Spanish. Comprende-o?

Why do Mexicans put lard in their beans? I don’t know any fit ’n’ trim Mexicans. Even the skinny ones have a lil’ belly. I just made some excellent refried beans with Goya extra virgin olive oil and butter. Just wondering.

—Skinny White Boy From Dallas Who Loves Healthy Tex-Mex

Dear Gabacho:

Because manteca is good, and they’re called “refried” because you fry them. Also, lard is healthier than butter, so while you may be skinny, guarantee you won’t outlive our abuelitas, who love their lard well into their late 90s.

I have been wondering if the women here in North Texas still hold onto most of the values from home, or has the Americanized lifestyle set in and they have premarital sex? Being white myself, I find it harder and harder to find white women who have the values and morals I’m looking for anymore. I have always been attracted to Mexican women, but have been ignorant to the exact culture. I’m Catholic, so I’ve talked to some Mexican Catholics about it, and it seems most (across the border, anyhow) follow church values better than our American counterparts. What is your opinion on Mexican-American women and the ratio of those who will wait until marriage and see that marriage through the way it is suppose to be done?

—Devout in Dalhart, Texas

Dear Gabacho:

Hate to break it to you, but few women wait until marriage to have sex in this country—the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report Surveillance Summaries in 2004 reported 43 percent of Latinas have sex during high school. Besides, few Mexicans that aren’t horny creeps even care about a woman’s virginity anymore: The University of Texas at Austin professor Gloria Gonzalez-Lopez’s 2004 paper “Fathering Latina sexualities: Mexican men and the virginity of their daughters” found even most Mexi dads don’t give a damn. If you’re looking for a Mexican Catholic virgin of marrying age, I’m sure you can find one—and get me the skull of Pancho Villa while you’re at it.