Global Orgasm

Get pro-climatic on December 22.

Talk about an idea whose time has come, and leave it to those white-wine-sipping Marin County liberals to think it up. It’s like this: Suppose we gathered up all the girls and boys in the world on a special day, like the winter solstice, for a planet-wide masturbation session? The theory of quantum entanglement (they’re big on this in Marin) holds that the force generated by such an event might be powerful enough to, say, throw U.S. Navy task forces wildly off course, thereby ending the conflict in Iraq. No joke. Princeton University eggheads actually have measured changes in “global consciousness” during widely watched events like 9/11 and the Indian Ocean tsunami. Anyway, do you really need a reason to have an orgasm? Come December 22, grab a partner, or lend yourself a hand, and give peace a chance.