Clean green

Ngaio Bealum is a Sacramento comedian, activist and marijuana expert. Email him questions at

Where can I buy organically grown medical marijuana?


Um, at a dispensary? Kidding. Not kidding. You just have to ask around. Fortunately, you are in luck: Harvest season is happening as we speak. (Peace and respect to all the growers that had to bring in their crops a little early because of the giant storm last week. May your harvest be delicious and free of molds.) Most outdoor growers these days do their best to be as organic as possible. I have a friend who uses only organic chicken poop for his dirt. Really. Ask your budtender about the organic brands they carry and I’m sure they will be able to provide you with a few choice morsels.

Also, the Emerald Cup Outdoor Organic Cannabis Competition is happening again in Santa Rosa this December; you should be able to find all sorts of super-organic, biodynamic, clean and green flowers, tinctures and concentrates there.

By the way, growers and brands aren’t allowed to use the term “organic” because the government has a strict set of conditions that farmers must maintain to be able to use the “organic” appellation. Since cannabis is still illegal under federal law, marijuana can’t be labeled “organic,” no matter how clean and pristine the growing conditions are. There are a few companies ( is one of them) that offer certifications programs based on federal organic guidelines. If you see some marijuana with the Clean Green certification, you know that it’s about as close to organic as you can get without growing it yourself. Have fun!

What’s up with people taking 10 gram dabs? Competitive dabbing. So gross.

—Piper Competitive

I agree. Giant dabs are gross, and an expensive waste of perfectly good cannabis. A gram of good wax or shatter costs about 35 bucks retail. Ten grams is $350. Ten grams will also knock you out for the rest of the day, and probably most of the next week. Why would anyone want to pay $350 for a nap?

Listen, Americans love gluttony and excess. It’s just how we are. We have competitive eating contests, for crying out loud. The internet is full of fools smoking giant dabs. Some are a bit impressive: Internet personality Mountain Man has a vid where he smokes 13.2 grams at once. It takes, like, 5 minutes. Wild. Others are not so cool. Some people may think it’s funny, watching folks puke and vomit and pass out after smoking giants globs of cannabis wax; I just think it’s kind of dumb. There is a limit to how much THC a person can ingest, and smoking giant dabs and globs every day will make your brain and body incredibly THC tolerant, which will cause you to smoke more weed to maintain the same high, which will cost you more money. Moderation in all things is the key to a healthy and happy and pleasantly stoned life.