Can they tell I’m high?

Ngaio Bealum is a Sacramento comedian, activist and marijuana expert. Email him questions at

Try singing a verse or two of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”

High, Ngaio! Happy New Year. I have questions:

1. What’s a standard dose again? (Edibles seem to have one and flowers do not?) 2. I got too high and now I don’t feel good. What do I do? 3. Can everybody tell when I’m stoned? Am I just being paranoid? 4. What’s going to be the most fun way (gray market options?) to re-up in the new year?

—N. Kwizza Tiv

Happy New Year to you as well. These are all very good questions. Let’s jump right in: 1. Everyone is different. For most folks, a good rule of thumb is 10 milligrams of THC per 100 pounds body weight. As always, you should err on the side of caution. Try 5 to 10 milligrams and wait an hour or so to see how you feel. You can always eat more pot, but you can’t un-eat it if you have too much. Well, I suppose you could, but that would be gross.

2. This happens. Just remember that the effects should wear off in a few hours. Stay hydrated. Have a few snacks. Listen to a good song. Take a nap. You will be fine. Tim Leary would recommend that people feeling uncomfortably high try singing a verse or two of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” because it is soothing and comforting, and by the time you get to “Life is but a dream,” you have to be on a different train of thought. Try it and see if it works for you.

3. You are most likely being paranoid. I mean, unless you are walking around with your eyes all super bloodshot and taking like 10 minutes to answer a simple question like “Would you like fries with that?”, no one really knows or cares if you are stoned or not. I am assuming you aren’t getting high before you show up to drive the school bus or perform brain surgery. Don’t do that. But sometimes watching someone that is super baked navigate the straight world is hilarious. Also, if they do notice, so what? You aren’t doing anything wrong. Being stoned isn’t against the law. Just giggle at them and offer them some of your snacks.

4. I am guessing the weedman will never stop being a thing. Also, farmers markets like Orbit will still exist, but as strict Proposition 215-compliant events. So, make sure to keep your medical card current. By the way, if you take the time to go stand in line and pay the extra few bucks to get a county-issued medical cannabis patient card (all counties offer this service, it’s a state law deal. Check your county’s website for more info), you won’t have to pay the state tax on your cannabis purchases.

As we jump into the new year, I just want to thank all of my editors for their patience and general grooviness, and all the readers and cannabis supporters that ask good questions (even the bad ones) and follow this column. Stay high. Stay safe. Bong hei fat choy!