Eyewitnesses say… Princess Di at the Club Cal-Neva

Lucky drunks get love advice and potent potables from the incognito Lady

Photo By F. Stop Fitzsimian

Princess Diana is serving up chilly free drinks and sizzling sex advice as a cocktail waitress at the Cal-Neva in Reno.

Michael Lawrence was losing hand after hand at the $3 blackjack table when a raspy voice with a hint of English royalty asked, “What’ll it be, honey?” When he looked up, he saw Princess Diana with a cocktail tray.

“I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, but when I saw those princess lips, I knew exactly who she was,” Lawrence said. “I came looking for Lady Luck, but instead I found Lady Di.”

Although her appearance has altered slightly (her skin has lost elasticity from the smoky air in her workplace, and her stance seems a bit more sassy than saintly), she still holds the distinct features of Princess Diana.

When Lawrence asked her if she was indeed the princess, she only replied, “Don’t let those pearly whites of yours go green. No woman wants to kiss a man with nasty teeth.”

Lawrence isn’t the only one who thinks the former Princess of Wales works the graveyard shift at the Reno casino.

Larry Birnaki, retired auto mechanic and longtime patron of the Cal-Neva, is also convinced the cocktail waitress they call “Princess” is Diana.

“I always had a hunch she wasn’t from around here,” Birnaki said. “She sometimes gets a little redundant with her talk about little children losing limbs, but she always brings me a damn fine Bloody Mary.”

But Birnaki says Princess Di’s help extends beyond bringing him cheap yet tasty alcoholic beverages.

“She also gives me advice when I’m having trouble with the ladies,” Birnaki said. “She’s like the magic eight ball of love.”

Donna “Princess” Smith says she’s a divorcee from Nantucket, Mass., who doesn’t like talking about her past. She came to Reno about six years ago in search of money and 24-hour convenience. She loves giving out relationship advice because it fills the void her last marriage left.

“I tried to do everything to forget it,” Princess Di said. “But now I see that by helping other people with their relationship problems, it’s really good therapy for myself.”

Of course, not everyone wants a scoopful of lovin’ advice.

“I just couldn’t shut her up,” said Tova Ramos. “All I wanted was another Margarita, and the next thing I know she’s drawing the Kama Sutra on my napkin.”

“Princess Di was married to Prince Charles; it’s no surprise she hasn’t had an orgasm,” said macrobrew enthusiast Ryan Stark. “There’s no way I’m going to ask her for sex advice.”

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