Pesky goblins terrorize employees at mall!

Evil creatures wreak havoc in Park Lane Mall!

Photo By F. Stop Fitzsimian

God: Second coming to a theater near you

Jesus Christ, son of the living God, was caught checking out the competition in the Century Riverside Theatre last weekend, when Dawn of the Dead took the No. 1 box-office spot from The Passion of the Christ.

“It’s pretty obvious, those guys knew nothing about coming back from the dead,” said the savior rather sheepishly, perhaps embarrassed at being recognized without holes in his hands. “The last thing a guy is going to want to do is eat a brain; bread and wine is hard enough. And if you think I was racing around three days later like a Pharisee on Ritalin, you’ve got another think coming.”

Fiendish imps are making life difficult for mall employees by moving merchandise and leaving behind rocks and trash.

“I don’t know if they’re demons from Satan or roguish pixies,” says Jan Korran, an employee at one of the mall’s retail stores. “All I know is that when I open up in the morning, things have been pulled down from shelves, pants pockets have been stuffed with rocks, and shoes have been switched around in their boxes.”

Employees at other Park Lane Mall shops have made similar complaints. One employee says it wasn’t rocks in pockets, but rather snotty Kleenex.

Korran says she was humiliated when a woman asked her to bring out a pair of size 6 black pumps. When she returned and opened the shoebox, there was only one black pump, and the other was a size 10 orange flip-flop. The store patron berated Korran and vowed never to shop at that particular store again.

Alan Blible says he saw one of the mysterious creatures when he stayed late after work.

“It was about 11 p.m., and I was doing inventory, when I heard what sounded like a chipmunk cackling. When I turned, a pair of baby booties that had been near me was missing.”

Blible didn’t see an entire goblin, but he did see a tiny foot wearing one of the pink booties retreating into shadow. When he followed the foot behind some boxes of clothing, he was surprised to find an entire stack of booties, as though the gnomes had been trying on different pairs until they found ones they liked.

“I figure the little guys are in sore need of shoes,” Blible says. “I always thought leprechauns were good at making their own shoes, so these must not be leprechauns. They’re probably gnomes, or maybe some type of gremlin.”

Photo By F. Stop Fitzsimian

Technicians at the Washoe County Sheriff’s Crime Lab came out to examine for miniature fingerprints but found nothing. Paranormal researcher Cyrus Fulovit says that if the gnomes are from another dimension or from a world beyond, the likelihood that they would leave fingerprints we could identify through normal methods is very slim.

“When you’re dealing with otherworldly creatures, they don’t leave a physical trace of their presence, but more of a phantom trace. It would be like the shadow of a ghost that lingers on after the ghost is gone. Right now, we don’t have any way to document those types of spirit-prints.”

The best way to get rid of the gnomes, Fulovit says, is to beat them at their own game.

He suggests leaving rocks and snotty tissues in the baby booties and placing them in locations that would be easy for the scamps to get to.

“When the gnomes realize store employees are harassing them like they have been doing,” Fulovit says, “they will either go back to their own world or move onto another store where people don’t suspect them.”

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