Reno City Council is run by aliens

“They’re from outer space,” critics claim.

This article was published on 04.01.04

Homeowners become home-munchers!

A voracious family in Virginia City devoured their entire home over the course of three years.

“We first started with the baseboards and the carpet,” wife and mother Janice Jehovee said. “We’d soak it in water to soften it, then fry it up.”After dining on the interior, the family worked their way down from the roof to the foundation. When there wasn’t enough house left for sheltering purposes, the family began camping out.

The house, the Jehovees say, was falling apart anyway, and as they wanted to save up money for a new home, they figured they shouldn’t let the old degrading house go to waste.

“The best use for the house was to eat it,” Janice said. “Being that we’re a seven-person household, we saved a tremendous amount of money on food, and we plan on purchasing our dream house in the next three months.”

Having acquired a taste for sheetrock and wood, the family plans to do their future grocery shopping in the local Home Depot.

Many observers of the Reno City Council have had their worst suspicions confirmed: The august council is manipulated by the hidden hands of space aliens!

The aliens are said to have nothing less on their agenda than the takeover of all usable land in Washoe County. Those in the know say the plan goes even further. The aliens want to take over all of the state of Nevada and eventually the world.

“I’ve always known there was a hidden agenda, a secret flapdoodle,” said frequent Reno City Council critic Mark Areolas in the public-comment portion of a recent council meeting. “You yellow-bellies have resorted to your cowardly antagonism of galactic domination for the last time.”

Areolas alleges that the aliens are using the Reno-Tahoe International Airport to land their invasion force.

“International, I’ll say ‘international.’ Intergalactic is more like it.”

One local expert in alien psychology, xenobiologist Harold Peters of the University of Nevada, Reno, says Areolas is wrong in his assertions.

“Those yellow-bellies are almost certainly grays,” he said. “The yellow-bellies are generally more interested in plundering planets for their food resources, and they wouldn’t work behind the scenes; they’d just come in with lasers blazing. They’d probably start with world capitals, like D.C. or Moscow, and herd the masses of people onto their aircraft like cattle.

“Grays, on the other hand, are the bureaucrats. They have extremely long lives, so they can work slowly. The grays are also mean. Remember how Jeff Griffin used to verbally abuse anyone who disagreed with him? And now, Bob Cashell made Toni Harsh cry because he couldn’t control her. That is totally gray behavior.”

One insider, who says she has met the alien overlords, or at least one of them, believes the evidence is right out there for anyone with eyes to see. She asked not to be identified because if the aliens realize the memory laundering wasn’t completely effective, she may get another late-night visit—and the usual anal probe.

“How many years have they been ‘redeveloping’ downtown Reno? Do you see any results? What about those crosswalks that can’t be seen by anyone with a human range of color vision or the way they’ve changed the Truckee River so they can lay their eggs? If they were real politicians, downtown would have been redeveloped a long time ago.”

Reno City Councilman David Aiazzi is firm in his belief that the council is not being manipulated by otherworldly beings.

“Of course it’s not being run by aliens,” he said in an exclusive telephone interview. “It’s being run by the Trilateral Commission.”

Reno Mayor Bob Cashell wasn’t called for comment on this story, but in the past, when alien pawns have been found out, they typically deny the existence of their otherworldly masters.

“What are you, effing nuts?” Cashell might have said in his affectatious Texas drawl. “My daddy would have whacked my behind if he’d found out I was collaborating with aliens.”

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