Days of Lore

Barney Torture Playset: ages 3+

Barney Torture Playset: ages 3+

Torture doesn’t get girls
I’ve been accused of torturing people with the music I listen to. I was on a field trip in junior high, and people brought their boom-boxes to play all the hot hits of the day. I remember the kids (especially the cute girls) wanted to hear songs from Starship and Sly Fox and Bon Jovi … kind of like what college women nowadays want to hear at LaSalles on Saturday nights.

Then there was me, the dorky kid with zits playing KISSCreatures of the Night, which I had dubbed from the LP onto a blank K-Mart cassette. I don’t think my fellow bus riders liked that one bit … and I don’t think I kissed a girl until Bush Sr. became president.

Love songs that hurt
While what I did might be construed as torture, it wasn’t actually torture. Mother Jones just released the “Torture Playlist”: songs the U.S. military has used in prisons to “induce sleep deprivation, ‘prolong capture shock,’ disorient detainees during interrogations—and also drown out screams.” Sounds like a K-Tel collection from the ’70s.

Indeed, the U.S. employs only the hippest torturers around. Remember the FBI? They used loud music to try to flush out David Koresh and his Branch Davidians from their Waco, Texas, compound in 1993.

What’s really interesting is looking at the songs that have been used to torture prisoners in places like Guantánamo Bay and Abu Ghraib—the loud (Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” and Deicide’s “Fuck Your God”); the annoying (the Meow Mix commercial jingle and the Barney theme song); and the “patriotic” (Eminem’s “White America” and Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” … used out of context once again).

According to the report, the so-called “no-touch torture” is used because it doesn’t leave a mark. We are torturers with a heart. But if loud, obnoxious music doesn’t do the trick, then we have to resort to waterboarding … and if that doesn’t work …

Pints and needles
That’s right, St. Patrick’s Day is coming up. I always forget because the holiday doesn’t mean a whole hell of a lot unless you live in Chico and are amped up to get tanked at 6 in the mornin’; have a hangover at 10 a.m.; puke by 1; and be in bed by 4 p.m.

The only reason I remembered this year is because someone from a local tattoo shop gave me a handbill to get a $25 clover inked on any place of my choosing. So add that to the steps listed above. Your kids will be so proud when you tell the story of your big day.

See this show
Erin Lizardo is quite the prolific songwriter these days. It seems like she just released her last album, You Should Always Do the Things You Say, and she’s been playing more shows to great response with her band Petticoat (who sounded fantastic at last week’s New Bloods show at Monstros).

Lizardo will release a new EP tonight (March 13) at Café Coda, where she’ll perform along with local singer-songwriter Pat Hull and a couple of bands that don’t play out too often: Tender Murderer and Spacious Parlour, the latter of which features Arrangement Ghost’s Jason Willmon. One worth checking out. Show starts at 8 p.m.

35 is the new 25