Days of Lore

BACK FOR THE BROKEBACK ATTACK There’s nothing like a good week’s vacation to rest the mind, body and soul (except for maybe two weeks) and get the ol’ creative juices flowing again. No staring at a computer monitor all day. No deadlines. No constant worrying about appointments, stories falling through or returning calls. I feel like a new man, I tell you. Jason Cassidy did an excellent job of filling in, and after reading his column last week, I now know his true feelings. And yes, Jason, I will marry you.

A PAIN IN THE ASTERISK Among my many exploits while I was away last week was going to San Francisco for not one, but two Giants games against my beloved St. Louis Cardinals. And, aside from watching my team play, there was also the possibility of witnessing a little history.*

The first game, as Jason explained last week, wasn’t pretty. The Giants had their way with the Red Birds, 9-2, I talked smack, and some fans called me a hippie … in San Francisco. Luckily, by the power of Craigslist, I was again at the ball park the following night for an 8-5 Cardinals victory, highlighted by a seed hit by Albert Pujols that left the yard in 1.3 seconds.

And instead of witnessing history, I watched as Barry Bonds slapped a couple of weak base hits and hobbled around left field like an escapee from the geriatric clinic.

It doesn’t matter anyway since I was actually more interested in catching Bonds’ home run ball so I could sell it to some twit on eBay and live out the rest of my years writing novels while living in Spain with my 22-year-old Basque girlfriend and slurping cans of Cruzcampo on the beach.**

Of course, Bonds has since passed Babe Ruth to become second on the all-time home run list after smacking a 3-2 pitch from Colorado Rockies pitcher Byung Hyun Kim 445 feet into the stands, only to be caught by some retarded Giants fan buying a barbecue sandwich and a beer.***

As of that shot, the ample-assed Bonds sits at 715 home runs, only 40 bombs behind Hank Aaron.****

… And Bonds will probably become the all-time home run leader in a season or two.*****

*Barry Bonds is the only Major League player in history who boasts the same bodily dimensions as his bobble head.

**There is no chance in hell of this ever happening. Get a life, Mark.

***I was shocked to find out that said Giants fan wasn’t actually buying the California roll/glass of chardonnay combo.

****Aaron actually overcame obstacles like racism when he broke Babe Ruth’s record in 1975, and didn’t wear 40 pounds of armor on his elbow.

*****Only if he becomes a DH in the lowly American League. Besides, Bonds’ record will be legitimately squashed by Albert Pujols in 2019 at the ripe old age of 39.

¡MáS BÉISBOL, POR FAVOR! Back here in Chico, parents and kiddies are gearing up for the Chico Outlaws’ second season in the Golden Baseball League.

And while we won’t have the pleasure of seeing future Hall of Famer Rickey Henderson (who played last year for the San Diego Surf Dawgs, and is still in immaculate shape at the age of 48) referring to himself in the third person, we will get to see a former Barry Bonds teammate, 26-year-old Tony Torcato, in action for the Outlaws.

The Outlaws’ season opens Friday, June 2 at 7:05 p.m. against the Fullerton Flyers.

A LITTLE BIT COUNTRY OK, I guess I’ll talk about music too. First, those lucky enough to have seen the Country Teasers last week now know how good they are. The band’s new release, The Empire Strikes Back, on In The Red Records (The Ponys, Reigning Sound, Pussy Galore) is genius—a bizarre and dark mix of country, rock and psychedelic that makes for an interesting listen. Standout tracks include “Hitlers & Churchills,” “Points of View” and “The Ship.” Check out samples or buy the album at:

SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE Try any one of these shows on for size: Sunday, June 4 at 9 p.m., By the End of Tonight (instrumental rawk from Austin), West By Swan and The Americas play at Off Limits; Saturday, June 3 at 8 p.m., Stationary Legs, The Grand Color Crayon, Numbers Like Dinosaurs and Do Not Resuscitate at Coco Caffe; and two shows at Duffy’s Tavern: La Fin du Monde performs Sunday, June 4 at 9:30 p.m., and The iMPS and The Americas play for almighty Satan on 6/6/06 at 9 p.m.

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