Bush comforts nation’s children
President Bush sat down today with a group of gifted first-grade students at St. Blessed Mother of Mary Episcopal School to answer questions about America’s new war. The president, dressed in L.L. Bean rain slicker and Hush Puppies, seemed surprised by many of the questions.

“Mr. President, how come we throw money at Israel but don’t care how it’s spent?” asked little Timmy LaRose. “How come they displace and slaughter people?”

“Well, that’s simple, Timmy. We give aid because we’re the best. Make no mistake: These terrorist folks are evil, dirty people who hate freedom. And we’ll smoke ’em out. And when we got ’em running, we’ll kill ’em good.”

“Your mouth is funny,” laughed Martha McKeon in the front row. “You talk out of the side of your face.” The other children giggled.

“Why is our God the only one who is right?” asked DeWuan Johnson, “And why can’t Rudolph Giuliani be president for a while?”

“You children need to eat the special, sleepy-time donuts we provided,” Bush told the group. “And remember, we are a great people and we will win this crusade against the evil-doers. Are you children ready for the crusade?”

“I’m not sure, sir,” blurted little Yung Tai Lynn. “Couldn’t we have patience and seek an intelligent solution? Do we have to kill more innocents to keep your approval rating high, protect oil interests, and make money for the military-industrial complex?”

“You didn’t raise your hand, little girl,” Bush said. “Those evil folks over there are laughing at us from their little holes. Those barbarians think they love God, but we’ll show ’em they can’t mess with our God—for he is strong and mighty vengeful when woken.”

The President then explained that this may well be a long, bloody war and many lives may be lost.

“But from now on, we will spend all money on military and self-defense—make no mistake,” he explained. “No more health programs or Social Security talk. Freedom is at stake, and God is on the side of the good guys. He won’t let us lose. We’re Americans, and we’re right come hell or high water. God bless.”

“New bombs would only stir the rubble of earlier bombs. Would they at least get the Taliban? Not likely. In today’s Afghanistan, only the Taliban eat, only they have the means to move around. They’d slip away and hide. Maybe the bombs would get some of those disabled orphans, they don’t move too fast, they don’t even have wheelchairs. But flying over Kabul and dropping bombs wouldn’t really be a strike against the criminals who did this horrific thing. Actually it would only be making common cause with the Taliban—by raping once again the people they’ve been raping all this time.”

Letter from Tamim Ansary, San Francisco

Weekly props
1. People that gave to relief efforts
2. Candlelight vigils
3. BBC coverage
4. Murder City Devils (Brick 10/29)