Bush stands by decision to be an asshole for all time
President Bush said he would veto any legislation that violated the spirit of his decision for limited federal funding of stem cell research on 60 existing stem cell lines—a proposal scientists say “won’t have a groundhog’s chance in the Alaskan wilderness” to yield the medical breakthroughs expected.

Catholic priests also criticized the president, the more adamant issuing a statement that claimed “the act of conception begins at the punch bowl, when little Timmy first feels a tingle in his trousers and must hide it from the nuns.”

In a guest editorial in Hustler magazine, Bush wrote, “This was a hard moral dilemma, and I asked my male white lord Jesus to give me a sign.” Suddenly, the names of the 200 people Bush executed in Texas burst into flames in the yard and Bush family portraits bled from their eyes on the walls around him.

“I knew then that killin’ sputum to alleviate suffering was dis-ethical,” he wrote. “My decision is right for Texas, it’s right for America and it’s right for those cute, baby stem cells.”

Excerpt from upcoming Bill Clinton book, The Big Blow Pop:
Tuesday, April 15:

Just got back from the Knicks game. Smoked a fat blunt with members of the Wu-Tang Clan in my old skybox. Man, I was so zooted that I peed in a champagne bottle, then knocked it over by accident, P.U.! Inspectah Deck said he wasn’t “feelin’ me.” That’s fine with me.

But I like them Pootang boys, they know how to party boy! And more important, they always bring the fly skank. That Rza told me I was the “dopest president” he ever met and that the band may want to sample my horn for their next album. I said, “Word that,” plus maybe I could score some White House furniture for their studio—in return, of course, for a little private time with the honeys (still got those presidential negotiatin’ skills, baby!).

Things got out of hand during a craps game when Ol’ Dirty Bastard tried to play me like a chump. He thought I was wasted because my nose was so red, but I showed him. He ain’t taking my money, no sir. Two shakes of a sheep’s tail and I had secret service bustin’ his ass for the cash outside. Betcha he knows not to screw with Bubba now. I told them boys, “Papa don’t take no mess.”

Weekly props
1. Power to the teachers
2. The Deep End
3. The Paladins at Duffy’s (Aug. 21)
4. The Dirtbombs’ “Ultraglide in Black”
5. Brad Pitt’s abduction on Jackass