Bush issues curfew on shark population
President Bush called an emergency press conference last weekend, after sharks attacked two more surfers in the Pensacola, Fla., waters.
“I will not stand for this aggression,” Bush said. “In the past we have lived hand in hand with the sharks, but their recent actions have left me no recourse. I must insist that the sharks stay out of the water during the hours between 8 p.m. and 9 a.m.”
Bush said that, if the sharks did not heed his executive order, he would use all the military might in his power to destroy them—including, if necessary, nuclear weapons positioned in outer space.
A representative of the Great Whites had no comment.
Email from Reverend Eleven
The Reverend Eleven is a spiritual adviser/mentor and prankster who once performed a mass marriage of people to bananas on his 21st birthday. A brilliant sociology student who blew the lid off biased Time magazine coverage of the Gulf War for his honors thesis in 1993, The Rev. also created several nationally recognized pranks as part of his undergraduate degree. He has published two books of music criticism and a documentary film featuring rapper Chuck D. He teaches in the Dept. of Communications at the University of Iowa. “Sunday, John [who sold all his possessions over the past year on E-Bay and is currently living in an Airstream trailer as detailed on NPR’s last Weekend Edition] and I nearly pulled off a media prank. He was supposed to be interviewed on CNN Today, and I was going to pose as him and then interrupt the live interview by telling them that I was actually Reverend Eleven, and that I had sold my soul to John to play him on TV, since that’s the only way you can get on something like CNN—which would have led to me launching into a rant about media mergers, bullshit news, etc., before they would have quickly gone to commercial. But, after running teasers for 2 hours, they sniffed out our plan 5 minutes before it was to go live and pulled the plug on the interview, running a prepackaged piece of fluff on Elvis instead. They did, however, run part of the story about John, explaining what we tried to do, with the anchor saying, ‘In all my years in news I have never seen a story like this.’ He then called John and me ‘schmucks.’ Cool!”
1. Bye bye Blue Room rock
2. Los Lobos at Gold Country
3. Pharcyde (Student Union in October)
4. Good luck, Hiroko!