University officials torch weeklies
Chico State officials recently removed all local weekly newspapers from the Meriam Library, citing the large number of students who were slipping “like Charlie Chaplins on the wet paper insets discarded on the floor like lethal bananas.” Other reasons included the need for extra hallway space so that students might rest and catch their breath from heavy stairway use inside the popular location.
Local papers were curious as to the real reasons behind the expulsion from such a readers’ paradise.
“Who the hell did we offend over there now?” said Editor X, afraid to share his publication name for fear of official retribution.
Student reactions were mixed.
“Dude, they took my papers,” said junior skateboarding major Bud Hart. “That’s hella wrong.”
Lindsey Porsche, 21, and several of her friends said they thought the newspapers had been food menus.
“How do we order stuff now?” she asked. “Don’t those have, like, food coupons in them? Not that I need those. What—ever.”
“Next they’ll be steamrolling Orions!” barked undeclared freshman Marky Watkins, 32. “This is worse than the disco holocaust.”
Man foresees “bad times to come” after watching television
Last Saturday, local man Delbert Xiong-Philips, 42, was stunned after turning on his television following four years of self-imposed exile from watching the box.
“First off, the danged images was moving too fast,” he said, wiping a tear from his eye. “Then I realized I was going crazy from all the bad stuff.”
Xiong-Philips complained that after channel surfing 30 or so basic cable stations for three hours, he was shocked by the number of programs based on sex and violence or both.
“What entertains us as a species?” he wondered aloud. “If it’s not some biased news story about diseases or corruption, it’s voyeurism or flabby buttocks gyrating to that thong music … I feel dirty inside.”
Xiong-Philips was forced to splash water on his eyes after accidentally viewing a half-dead albino getting his knee sawed off on the Surgery Channel.
He has since added The Nation subscription to his existing New Yorker, Nerve and Bitch magazine subscriptions and is reading the entire works of Camus and Russian cubo-futurist poet Vladimir Mayakovsky to avoid further televisual stress.
1. Quasi at the Brick Works (October)
2. Veggie meals at Humboldt Café
3. Tenacious D at the Warfield on Helloween
4. Israel Vibration (9/7) at Student Union
5. Your Italian cooking needs at Bustolini’s
6. New Sparklehorse album with Tom Waits