“Justice will be served/ And the battle will rage/ This big dog will fight when you rattle his cage/ And you’ll be sorry that you messed with the U.S. of A./ ‘Cause we’ll put a boot in your ass/ It’s the American Way.”
—Country star Toby Keith
“Have you forgotten when the Towers fell? [background noise played backward] Satan says smoke marijuana and kill Third World children …Have you forgotten?”
—Country star Daryyl Worley
Bush declares Sierra Nevada part of the axis of evil
With his Healthy Forests Initiative aimed at logging and destroying the ecosystem of the world’s oldest and biggest trees in the Giant Sequoia National Monument, President Bush recently declared the southern Sierra Nevada part of “the axis of evil"—a move tantamount to military attack.
“God created trees for use by his favorite creation—us,” Bush told reporters after a private Easter service with Billy Graham. “But trees are ungrateful and have brainwashed environmentalists into writing a bunch of pansy laws. This administration is gonna do what’s right for our country—and I’m telling the trees now, you will be liberated from your captivity in the Sierras [snickers]. Soon you’re gonna experience the economic growth that freedom means today. To quote a classic Rush song, you will ‘all be kept equal by hatchet, axe and saw.’ Praise Jesus.”
The decree stunned mainstream media, but reporters quickly jumped aboard, applauding the war on nature and launching their own smear attacks on Northern California “tree huggers.”
After leaving church, Bush and advisers met to brainstorm ways they can use military reserves to destroy environmentalist groups and liberate trees by selling them to the highest bidders.
“Well trees may be big/ but we’ll teach ’em a trick/ like a bloody young Rumsfeld/ on a mat in the pit/ He’s a wrestler, son, you know the type/ a hard-nosed American that could sleep with your wife/ And you know somewhere that ol’ Osama is shakin'/ but tell him we got trees to kill first, ‘fore we fry up his bacon.”
—rising country star Dud Boykins in the song “Trees are Evil” from his multi-platinum debut, I Do What the Man Tells Me
Readers may wonder how this column made it through CN&R cuts and wasn’t axed alongside Blamer and Genetic Strands. While it’s always a shame to lose local contributors, this paper has more than most people give credit (ahem, Corrine). But for all those Blamer fans out there, rumor has it the horror buff is starting his own monthly paper, The Chico Journal, and Genetic Strands will be included. Best of luck to ’em.
1. NBA playoffs (Go Kings!)
2. Anton Pannekoek’s Workers’ Councils
3. Frank Black performing “Dirty Ole Town” at Harlow’s
4. Nina Simone (R.I.P.)