It’s Valentine’s Day, let’s get it on

Note: This week’s column contains ham-fisted attempts at sexual innuendo and is intended for mature audiences with immaturity issues.

An actual reader letter I’ve discovered that Art is the kind of guy who can convince a girl to do just about anything, when he puts his mind to it. I knew that he had a lot more sexual experience than I did. He was six years older than me, and had chilled the whipping cream a week after I turned 18. We had met when he came into the bank where I work as a junior teller. He asked me out, we had dinner and saw a movie, and the next thing I knew I was back at his apartment in his bed—ready for dessert that same night.

He was really gentle with me the first time we made love. I had worried that the man who melted the chocolate, rum, coffee and butter in a double boiler would remove the bowl from heat as soon as my pants were off, then cool, stirring occasionally. But Art took things nice and slow, massaging me until I was just above body temperature. He used his hand to sprinkle the gelatin into the remaining whipping cream to get me ready for stirring the mixture into the cooled chocolate. By the time he beat the chilled cream into peaks, I was so ready that he had no trouble at all folding the whipped cream into the chocolate mixture.

I would always be grateful to him for making my first mousse so enjoyable. Plenty of other guys have spooned me, wrapped me in plastic and chilled me since then, but he was the only man I wanted.

True confession OK, so maybe that wasn’t really an actual reader letter. Maybe Arts DEVO mashed a Penthouse Letter together with Alton Brown’s delicious recipe for chocolate mousse. (Mix up a batch for Valentine’s Day, fellas, and don’t forget to lick the beaters!) But what was I to do? No one sent me any questions, letters or fan fiction for my V-Day sex-advice column.

In a desperate move, I turned to Craigslist, to see if there were any romantic souls in need of guidance during the lovers’ holiday, but all the DTF folks posting in the personals section already seemed to be having an ASStounding time with all their NSA trolling.

However, over in the Missed Connections corner, there were some who genuinely seemed in need of Cupid’s intervention. There’s not much that I can say to help these star-crossed love-seekers. But I can use this space to help spread the word:

Knives - w4m

I bought a knife from you last Friday night. Just wanted to say you seem like a pretty awesome kind of guy… And cute to boot. Thanks for making me smile that night. I needed it.

Dying Fetus Show - 21

Met you Saturday night at the Hatebreed/Shadows Falls/Fetus show. Seemed like you’d be a cool guy to chill with and share music. I complemented [sic] the shirt you where [sic] wearing.

gorgeous K - m4m - 27 ([local coffee shop] )

Damn boy you’re so skinny but gorgeous. Baby face and simply adorable. You’re tall, dark haired, and white. You made my day. ;)

aw wish sum1 would post abt me :( - w4m (Chico )

I always read these post [sic], I guess in hopes that one is directed towards me. Hoping my name would pop up on a missed connections title and have me wondering who could be thinking about me.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. Be nice each other, especially those who don’t have a date to share the day with. And, if you’re single (or just a friendly person), why not visit Craigslist and send the “aw wish sum1 would post abt me” lady a nice note saying you’re thinking about her.