Tsunami of Celine Dion

1. It was kind of a thing once, and that was only in 2-D!

As James Cameron’s 15-year-old blockbuster resurfaces in theaters, it’s fair to ask: How did an adolescent love story set in 1912 on a famously ill-fated ocean liner become the biggest box-office grosser ever, at least until a later movie about alien rainforest super-Smurfs came along from the same director? No one really knows, but now you may pay extra for another, deeper look.

2. It’s a period piece—from the future!

Just as Titanic the boat may seem like a relic from an earlier era, so does Titanic the movie. But that wily Cameron—ocean enthusiast, old-fashioned Hollywood showman, stager of spectacles, tacky Oscar-speech quoter of his own mediocre dialogue—always has known a thing or two about human destiny. Even in 1997 he foresaw how 21st-century audiences would want to be entertained: by wasting many hours staring at a screen, envying other people’s make-believe status, and witnessing one big epic fail. It’s only just now that 3-D technology has at last caught up with this visionary.

3. Now with even more morbid curiosity!

Just as Titanic the movie capitalized on the poignancy of retrospect, so does the act of releasing it again many years later. Ah, to think of a time when Kate Winslet didn’t try so hard and Leonardo DiCaprio still did. They were so impossibly young and unspoiled then, before the respective body-image issues and the coke bloat or whatever it is; just the wistful beauty from Heavenly Creatures and the Future Great Actor Who’d Outgrown Growing Pains, together in the salty breeze, surfing that tsunami of Celine Dion. So poignant, in fact, that it makes you a little seasick.

4. It’s time to send those Hollywood fat cats a message as regards the shameless commerce of 3-D-retrofitted former blockbusters!

Hey, not all of us can afford to have submarines custom made for ourselves in order to visit the ocean floor while also publicizing a ludicrously profitable movie we made more than a decade ago. So no, Titanic is not just some adorable little DIY opus in need of Indiegogo funding. But we must consider it in the context of our other forthcoming 3-D re-release options. If it’s really either this or the Star Wars prequels, then we all know what we need to do. Well played, Cameron.

5. You missed it the first time!

Well, it’s possible. All of us were busy in the ’90s. Younger, fresher, more willing to go out and try new things. (There wasn’t yet much of an Internet to speak of.) Maybe you had other stuff going on and just never got around to it. Or maybe you gave Titanic a pass because you knew how it ends. Well, you still know how it ends. Or do you? Stay past the credits for a surprise. No, just kidding. Same deal: It sinks, he dies, her heart goes on. Look, it’s about the journey.