The Sexramentoest!

Ladies and germs, SN&R presents Sacramento’s 19 sexiest

1. Mohammed Abdul Azeez

96.37 points
This imam’s got the hot young Muslim leader market completely cornered. When his mouth opens, it gets even steamier. At Call for Unity ‘06 at Mondavi, he recited 99 names of God. We’d like to hear it again in a totally different context.

2. June

94.57 points
Nothing says “rise and shine” like her tender smile and a petite bowl of her signature macaroni salad at June’s Cafe. The way the unofficial queen of Southside works the grill and cares for regulars—solo, no less—will make your morning.

3. Grant Ermis

91.45 points
It takes balls to stand up on stage in your underwear in front of a bunch of guys—just ask local boy Grant Ermis, Mr. Gay USA for 2007. Grant’s lithe, athletic body, boy-next-door charm and hard-work ethic won judges over. Us, too.

4. Cécile Mouette Downs

88.64 points
Sac French Film Fest’s director makes us say ooh la la—or something cleverer because that’s a cliché and we want to impress her. Regardez her cultivated cinematic taste and how she carries herself: Cécile is the picture of fecund feminine sophistication.

5. Reggie Theus

87.48 points
Those eyes, those abs, all that baby oil. Yeah, the Sacramento Kings could have gone with some heavyset balding guy with a proven coaching record over this bona fide pinup boy. But there hasn’t been a playa like Reggie in town since, well, Reggie.

6. Guy with book in “Sunday Morning in the Mines"?

84.26 points
Artist Charles Nahl, whose painting hangs at Crocker, had a knack for capturing texture. We’re down to cop a feel: check out those pecs! The work is called “Sunday Morning in the Mines,” so he’s probably reading the Bible. We imagine the Kama Sutra.

7. Steve Vanoni

82.49 points
Nothing says sexy like living on the edge, and this local artist has been living on it for longer than many of our readers have been alive. He may be the last man in Sacramento who can still make smoking look cool. Bring sexy back? With Steve, it never went away.

8-9. Ellen Pontac and Shelly Bailes

79.45 points
Commitment, whether to ideals or another person, is incredibly sexy. Ellen and Shelly, partners for more than three decades, have worked tirelessly for civil rights, human rights and social justice for all. And just look at how they look at one another.

10. Ground Chuck

78.99 points
Slender. In a band. An artist. Need more? Long, flowing hair. Tattoos. Still not enough? Mental Defective League’s G.C. is Sacramento’s chalk-wielding, Tourette’s-having, BMX-riding, headphone-wearing metal-maniac with a heart of gold.

11. Rachel Hansen

74.22 points
Her bubbly, gregarious and sexy husband, Richard, gets more attention, but Rachel charms the socks off serious readers with her quieter approach to customer service at The Book Collector. What’s sexier than a MILRW (mother I’d like to read with)?

12. Jeffrey Callison

73.73 points
The Scot’s voice on 90.9 KXJZ’s afternoon interview show Insight tips the sexy scale: It’s not all overblown and self-parodic like Sean Connery’s, but smooth enough to make chats on Social Security, jury duty and public transit sound utterly euphonic.

13-14. Allison Jones and Derek Fieth

72.69 points
They are Pets, a fuzz-bass, effects-laden guitar and drum-machine duo that, like their lowercase namesake, you’d love to have spend some time on your lap. As long as they are housebroken. Which we believe Allison and Derek are. Next to positive.

15. Roger Carpio

68.11 points
Instead of spinning the latest hip and trendy, this deejay relies on an immaculate ear for beats to flood a crowd with equal measures of adrenaline and joy, inspiring folks to shake off their inhibitions and dance. Best of all, he’s refreshingly humble.

16. Teddy Bruschi

67.68 points
The Roseville High School alumnus and New England Patriots Pro Bowl linebacker is the sexiest, quarterback-crushing, saxophone-playing stroke-survivor around—247 lbs. of bronzed, NorCal hunkiness.

17. Shane Goldmacher

67.67 points
The handsome brown-haired, blue-eyed hottie is the sexiest 24-year-old to play center field in a local rec softball league. This Sacramento Bee political reporter can round our bases and blow our deadlines anytime.

18. Adrienne Bankert

54.88 points
The stunningly gorgeous KCRA morning-news personality used to only do traffic, but the camera drinks her up so much she now co-hosts next to a typical male anchorbot. Recent anti-Semitic remarks at Sac State knocked her out of the top five, however.

19. Ron Brock

26.69 points
Driving a Winnebago plastered with hate-filled slogans like “Homosexuality is a sin” does not makes Ron hot; latent gayness does. “We’ve all gone through that floundering around,” he said in an interview. “[But] just because you have a weakness, do you give in to that weakness?” F-yeah—with a capital F! Now come here, you hateful bastard, so we can get biblical on your ass.

SN&R’s Triple Doppler Data Annihilator 3000 arrived at these rankings through values derived from supporting criteria unanimously agreed upon in the Global Cross-Species Attraction Protocol signed March 5, 2005 in Davos Switzerland. Default rankings were listed in descending order then sorted by highest value least, and then inversed via large and small functions based on the widely used B4:B8=LARGE (+-.55)(-)=B9:B3=SMALL formula. Margin of error: 87.29 (-/+).